5 months

Dear Caden,

Today is your fifth month in heaven little one and I miss you just as much today as I did the day I had to leave you. Your two big brothers are growing so much each day and I am so thankful for every amazing day with them, but loving and being thankful for them does not mean that my heart doesn't ache for you. I never knew pain like the pain of not being able to have you here to enjoy each day with your family, and see your brothers love you and teach you. Brady talks about you often, I think he still doesn't completely understand that you aren't coming back- he is always talking about "saving" stuff for you. While I love that he remembers and speaks of you, I wonder about the day he realizes that you aren't coming back. I will always feel guilty for making his first experience as a big brother so complicated and traumatic. I know he misses you too.

I had my 5th support group meeting and they have really helped me deal with your death. I still feel guilty and have regrets, but their support and guidance has been amazing. I have met some really great people, especially other moms who have lost their babies...I think we all  are comforted by the thought that you are playing together somewhere and watching over us. It sure is nice to be able to talk about you with moms and dads who understand what its like to lose a baby-I love to speak and hear your name.

On Monday, I lit a candle for you and in memory of all the others babies gone too soon. I sure hope that wherever you are, you could feel my love rising to you, just like smoke rising to the sky. That day, I recieved a beautiful necklace made for me by another baby loss mom. It has your name engraved on it and it lays right near my heart, where you will always be.

Your big brother Brady had his 3rd birthday party and it was nice to spend the day with family and friends , but I sure wish you could have been here to celebrate with us. There will always be a space for you my little man, it could never and will never be filled.

I love you and I miss you little one. Today, tomorrow, and always my love is with you and I carry you in my heart.

Love always,
mommy

two steps forward....

So, its my third week of work and things were going okay, I was beginning my "new normal".  This past week, at group, I publicly addressed my personal guilt over Caden's death. It was odd to share something so personal, so emotional, but I did it, I needed them to know. A confession of sorts, I guess. Of course, people expressed that I did the best with the information I had. And I can sort of see that, but the guilt still sits there like a rock in my heart...I just can't seem to get rid of it, can't seem to chip away at it. I just can't seem to get rid of that guilt and  the feeling that I let him down. I dream, I hope, I pray, and I sometimes even plead for the ability to go back and change my actions. I know, I know, silly and pointless, right? And yet, I can't help but think it, for even the tiniest chance of it occuring....even if its only in my mind. Okay. I sometimes pretend that I did things differently and I let the scenario play out in my mind like a movie and for those few minutes I can pretend, pretend that I saved him, pretend that he was born alive, pretend that I saw him open his eyes and move his little body, if even if just for a few precious minutes.

Recently, my two year old declared that he was no longer using a sippy cup, because he was "a big boy now". He then takes the cup and  says, "we'll save it for Caden, when the doctor fixes him and he comes home." That just broke my heart. Not only do I carry the guilt for letting Caden down, I also feel like I let Brady down ...to lose his first little brother....to experience a loss like this at such a young age. I know that he doesn't fully grasp it because he is always wanting to "save" things for Caden. It really touches me, but it breaks my heart too.

Last night, while driving home I just broke down( oddly, my breakdowns seem to occur most often in the car). I just suddenly felt Caden's loss as if I was experiencing it for the first time again. I don't know if that's normal, but I cried the whole way home, with my heart breaking all over again. So, I'm in this "new normal", but I'll never really be normal, because I will never have my Caden with me(except in my heart). And sometimes, when I allow myself to really think about it, I just can't believe that this had really  happened and I just hate the reality of his absence...I really really hate it.

And oh, by the way, in case you've missed my coverage of it prior posts,  there is no "reason" that you could give that would make it okay for Caden to be gone. NONE!  I have begun  to realize how truly pointless that  saying is as a source of comfort.  My baby boy has been gone for 4 months now and I still miss him as much as the day he left.

Two steps forward,one step back, but I keep on trying and I will make sure that no forgets you little one....you are loved, you are missed, you are never forgotten.

The start of a new normal?

So, I started a new job last week as a part-time preschool teacher. Even though its only part time, its still a lot of work considering planning and preparation. During open house,  I saw a mom with her newbie taking her 3 year old to see her new teacher and I couldn't help thinking  "that should be me", but I focus on my classroom and talking to my parents and pretend to be unfazed.  For me, part of my new normal means pretending, pretending that I am not upset or that something doesn't bother me, when it actually does.

Another new normal, the realization and acceptance of the fact that I may never fully forgive myself for not going to hospital that Tuesday night. It may sound crazy because I know that on a few occasions I have pronounced that I am at peace with things...lie!  I don't care what anyone tells me or words of comfort they may bring. There is not a week(sometimes a day) that goes by where I don't replay that day in my head at some point. Sometimes, even, I almost  trick myself into thinking that I am really there and I decide to go to the hospital and Caden is born, but this time I get to hear him cry,  or at the very least, hold him while his heart still beats.  Sounds crazy, right? Well, I don't care, sometimes its what I have to do.  Believe me, I've tried all the angles with myself and no matter what I always end up in the same place...guilt. So, instead of continually trying to get out of guit, I have decided to take a new approach....acceptance of the fact that I probably won't ever fully forgive myself. I didn't trust my gut and I let my worry about what others think of me guide my decision-making. Never again. So, while I will never fully forgive myself, I learned a very good, very difficult lesson. I just wish I wouldn't have had to lose my son to learn it. And now, in his honor, I will always trust my gut and never allow what others think of me to guide important decisions.

A little off my topic, but I just want to say how much it means when friends and family acknowledge you my precious little one. I can't help that it hurts that there are still people who have still never done a thing or said a word. I hope that someday you will give me the strength to forgive them. But, there are also some wonderful people, some I haven't even known very long that send messages that warm my heart and say to me  "you mattered", "our beautiful little Caden mattered", and even though you didn't live outside me, you mattered. You were a person with fully formed fingers and toes and the most perfect little button nose. And those people...I love them for it, for if not for them, surely the healing process would be longer Maybe you could send them some special blessings from above that their kindness is returned.

I love you and miss you so much my little one..tears fall constantly in my heart and I hope you know how much you are loved, missed, cherished and remembered.

A couple thoughts...

It was a long night- my mom had another sugar crash. When I finally felt like her sugar was up and she was stablized, I headed home. And for some reason, all I could think about was Caden the entire drive home. How much I missed him.  I saw this quote recently on another baby loss mom's facebook page:

"‎"If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember they lived, and that's a great, great gift." Elizabeth Edwards

I thought that is pretty much right on. I hope to get people to understand that. I never forget about him.



Also, this post was recommended by a friend and for fellow baby loss moms or for those trying to understand a little more, its a good read:

http://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-44-how-you-get-unstuck/

"The live on planet Earth, you live on planet My baby died"

And I'm still there, the one relieving thing is there are other people living there with me and we are helping each other survive life on that harsh planet.

Catching up

I know, I know , its been awhile. I'm finally catching up with life around me, so let me catch you up with what has been going on.

Holidays- Ok, so I know that 4th of July isn't exactly Christmas, but it was the first major holiday I had to deal with since Caden's death. The hardest part was facing people that I thought let me down, people who didn't think it was important enough to come to Caden's memorial or graveside service. Suprisingly, these were mostly family members. I had been thinking, wondering, all day, how I would handle it. I am not a confrontational person, but I am not very good at hiding my feelings either. So when we pulled up to the house, I could feel the pit in my stomach growing, the tears in my eyes welling, and butterflies in stomach. Thankfully, I phoned my mini AMEND help line aka one of the wonderful AMEND mamas who have been there for me. So, when you read this, thank you so much dear friend.  I find it hard to understand why family who live 15-20 minutes away can't find a few minutes to attend a service for a family member's child. It's not like they are distant family members, they are close and live close by.  My aunt and uncle flew in from NY to be there, but people couldn't drive 15 minutes to be there for even a minute. I had friends that I hadn't even seen in a while come to his service so I just can't understand. It hurts that they felt that it wasn't important enough to show up to my son's service- that he wasn't important enough. When its a celebration,  everyone can make sure to be there, but they couldn't be there for Caden, Jon, and me and that hurts. I don't think I will ever feel the same about them. Those same people, upon seeing me for the first time after Caden's death, still never made an attempt to offer any condolences to me. Inside I wanted to scream "Why weren't you there? He was real, he was beautiful, we loved him and he's gone, doesn't that matter?!!"  But, I didn't. I am not exactly looking forward to more family events in the future.

Final Results- Well, apparently, the OB I consulted with isn't exactly an expert in heart defects. Because, it turns out that Caden's heart defects were minor and he had no other health issues. In fact, my placenta was the cause of his death. I was heartbroken, I didn't fully understand the cause of death-placental maturation defect, so all I felt was an incredible guilt that it wasn't his heart but my body that killed him. Getting the results was difficult and then you have to jump through more hoops to even get somebody to explain it to you- get a referral, get insurance approval(or pay around $200), get all the records sent and then make an appointment for sometime to just tell you what the freakin piece of paper means. I just don't get it? As if we haven't been through enough. When I watch Dr. G, she calls the family and talks to them for like 5 minutes and bam, problem solved. You mean, that they can't take 5 minutes to explain what this thing means. Thank God for google, at least.  I did discover through internet research and Down Syndrome pregnancy boards that the placenta also carries the extra chromosome which can result in defects in the placenta, which is why they monitor Down Syndrome Pregnancies closely in the last trimester. I will never turn down screenings again and I sure hope that if in the future, a mom turns down an amnio that MFMs will at least have the decency to give pregnant these potential problems(given that Caden had a soft marker for DS), as well as let them know that there are non-invasive tests like Materniti21 available.

My 2 older boys enjoying Sanibel

Finally, we took a brief family vacation to Sanibel Island. It was nice to get away for a bit, it really was, but there was this feeling that it just wasn't complete, that someone was missing. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time with my family and I feel blessed to have my 2 wonderful boys with me, but I still miss my Caden and it just hurts that he was not there with us.

Some days

A friend whose mom recently passed away had posted "some days are harder than other"  Yep...that's pretty much how it goes. There are some okay days and some days that a hair out of place can bring on tears.

I haven't really written the last week, because my thoughts have been kind of all over the place and not really centered on one theme, but I got to a point today where I needed to write after a recent conversation with a family member.

Its hard for people to understand-friends and family, especially when the loss of a child is still so new, that you don't just dust yourself off and keep going. Yes, I realize that there are things I have to do, but the task of keeping composure and being "on" for my young toddler are about all I can handle some days. So, just when you think you doing ok and someone comes along expecting more and making you feel guilty about not doing more, it can bring the whole facade crumbling down...and then back to bad day. I'm not perfect and maybe there are times when I can do more, but I am honestly doing the best I can here. I mean, I just lost my son...um...a month ago?

At my first group meeting, I think it was similarly expressed by others how some people don't understand that we don't just "move on". I realized after our discussion that I can't change how they react to my grief and that everything I am feeling and doing is normal. However, how can I get past feeling bad about it? I get overwhelmed pretty easily these days and sometimes it makes me so mad that they just can't understand that.   They are lucky that they don't have to understand it the way I do.

One other tidbit I learned at the group meeting was that most of the other parents who have lost a child( I say most, because its based on my experience in the group) also hate when people say "everything happens for a reason" I think one of the other mom's said it best when she said it "makes me want to hit you in the face"....um....yep....pretty much.  I wish I could have been more vocal about how saying this to a parent who has lost a child is not ok, but maybe I will start today.

It just sucks big time that my little boy didn't make when so many others did...why, why, why?

Some days my heart aches so much that I just don't want to do anything but feel the sadness and if no one is around...cry.

Some days I just wish that this could all be nightmare and I will wake up soon...the other days, I just feel it without physically wishing it. 

One month...

Today, my little boy would be one month old. I would love to celebrate it with a picture like I have done with  my other boys, but instead I am missing him and celebrating by looking at his pictures and holding his clothes and blanket...breathing them in.

I took Brady to the park today and it wasn't such a bad today, but the emptiness still creeps in from time and time and it is still sometimes unreal to me that I had a baby, but he isn't here. I can still see his beautiful little face in mind without any effort at all. And if the day ever comes when it becomes an effort, I only need to look up.

Today is your one month angelversary, Caden, my beautiful little boy.  And I just wanted to let you know how much mommy loves you and misses you.

Due date

So this was Caden's projected due date. Today, I should be waiting for baby, in labor, or holding a newborn. However, I am doing none of those. And even though, I have two beautiful boys who are amazing and healthy, it can't erase the fact that Caden is gone and I miss him so much.


Before Brady, Father's Day was never much a glorious event for me, it was generally filled with anger with sadness due to an absent father. A father, who choses to be absent in my life. I haven't had living grandfathers since I was quite young, so it was wasn't something I celebrated. After Brady's birth, father's day became a holiday of mixed emotions. Now, Father's Day will continue to be a day fraught with mixed emotions- sadness about the little boy who was supposed to be born this weekend, sadness and anger about the father who doesn't care, but  happiness in sharing the day with my husband and beautiful sons.  This Father's Day, daddy was on duty at the fire station, so Brady and I visited Caden at the cemetery  and then drove down to see daddy. The whole drive I thought of  Caden and glanced every so often at the picture of him that I keep tucked in the visor - I still need to keep him close.I realized that he will be with me forever. That, behind every smile, laugh, every moment of joy, there will always be a piece of my heart that aches for him.Always.

This is the picture that I keep on my visor, its one of my favorites of Caden.

stuck

The last few days I have felt stuck in this sadness funk. I can't seem to shake it right now. It started somewhat Sunday morning at breakfast with my family. It was like breakfast as always, no talk of Caden, like he never even existed. Something just seemed to snap in me, I was angry that everyone seemed to just be okay. I didn't show it, didn't let on, but I was. I know that I can't expect them all to mope around forever,  I am still sad and I want to be sad. The rest of that day, I didn't want to do anything- I watched my husband and son in the pool. But, I was stuck, stuck missing my baby and wanting to be sad for the life that I lost. I sat on the living room couch and watched the memorial video I made him a few times. I read other women's stories. I researched about Down's syndrome and heart defects. I was stuck.

Later we went to dinner because it was my uncle's last night in Florida. Midway through dinner, I just wanted to get out of there. I felt as though I might burst - unable to sit through pleasantries and a general feeling of normalcy. I didn't feel normal. I felt like screaming "my baby is dead! why are we just sitting around talking about nothing!" Of course, I didn't. I just sat there, holding in my heartache. I really hate to admit it, but I was glad when dinner was over. I could finally breathe and grieve alone for my loss. For me, its just hard to be sad in public. Oddly enough, I am open about a lot of things, but real feelings, real emotions, I hide. Even in the hospital, after my initial breakdown upon learning that my baby's heart no longer beat, I would wait until visitors and nurses were gone before crying. I could talk about it, but, for me, I just can't seem to cry in public, its just not something I  can do. So, I generally do two things: hold it in if I can or run to nearest door and get out fast.  That night I did the former and then eventually the latter, because I really hate to make people uncomfortable, even family, most of the time.

When I am home with Brady by myself, I keep busy with him because I don't want to take away from his time, but as soon as he naps or Jon comes home I am back to my grief - watching his video, researching, and reading other women's stories. I wish I could explain it, but it just feels like a need right now and if I try to push it away, I feel worse. So for now, I give in to it, from time to time.

The results

Friday, I had an appointment with the doctor who delivered Caden to go over the preliminary autopsy report. I had been researching for days and was only able to decipher that he had heart defects. Luckily, it was a quiet day and not one single pregnant or new mom walked in- I was glad about that. Dr. Johnson was nice and he had a quiet tone, which honestly, drove me a little crazy during labor. But now, it was comforting and I appreciated it. I was surprised when he said he had the final report. I wasn't expecting that, I hadn't prepared and I felt anxious for the long seconds before he read it. Then, as he read it, I was surprised again- Caden had Trisomy 21, aka Down's syndrome which caused several significant heart defects and was ultimately the cause of his death.

Immediately, my mind went back to that day of my Level 2 ultrasound when the tech suggested I have an amnio because Hydronephrosis is a soft marker for downs. I was thinking that, had I done it, we would have known. But, I was comforted when no other markers were noted and everything else was "ok".  Then the Hydronephrosis was cleared up after the second Level 2, so I thought we were in the clear. Before that day, I never knew that there could be fatal defects as a result of Trisomy 21, I only really associated it with a different way of life and as a Special Education teacher I felt that it just meant a different type of life, not something life threatening.

I wonder, though, what may have been different if we had known. If we had known about the heart defects, we would have had an EKG. We would probably have eventually have found out that they were significant and that he would most likely not survive. The last couple months would have been different, darker. If we had found out about the Down's syndrome, there would be a wondering about how life would change for us, should he survive, research. This all would have occurred about the same time my mom was diagnosed with cancer and me trying to take her to appointments, calling doctors, researching options. It would have been a difficult time for all. Part of me, is glad that I didn't know, as in that time, my mom looked to the hope of a new grandchild and I was busied during the waiting portion of appointments and treatments by knitting diaper covers and hats for my new little one- a bit of happiness in that time. Part of wishes I could have known, prepared, seen if  in fact, we could have done anything for him. Some days, one part is greater than the other, but it vacillates and I guess it probably always will. The biggest thing I wonder about is, even if we couldn't save him, would I have gotten to meet him...alive. I often ache for that experience- to see his eyes open, hear his cry...anything. I know that I can't change anything now, can't go back and I am not sure if it would have been better...but I would have loved to have the chance to meet him before he left.  Though I used to think a c-section was the worst thing that could happen during birth, I know now that it most definitely isn't and ...I would gladly have gotten one if it meant even one day with Caden...just one day. It may sound ridiculous, but I often find myself jealous of the women who get even one hour with their baby.  I would have loved on day, one hour, or even one minute.


In the end, what I felt most  after hearing the results, was a bit of relief in knowing that I had done nothing in any way to cause his death. I did, of course, ask the doc anyway, whether or not we could have saved him if I had gone to the hospital. In that soft, easy tone I had grown to find comfort in, he said that   would have required surgeries and likely, still wouldn't have survived. Though I am still heartbroken and missing my boy, there is some comfort in knowing that I couldn't have done anything differently. Because, no matter what anyone told me, I have been wracked with guilt about my decisions on that day =that Tuesday night when I felt deep down that something wasn't right. Now, I could let go of the guilt and move on to heal, to learn how to continue on with my life without my little boy. Living without the little face that I imagined sleeping next to me, cuddling with me, dressing. Living without Caden.

One friend said that he died in the most comforting place of all, my womb. It was a nice thought and I hope that it was true, because we moms can't ever stand to see or even know if our children was in pain. And now that he is gone, he will still always be my third child, always in my heart.

Goodbye

Today I laid my little man to rest. It was a a very short service at the cemetery. I said my final goodbyes, though he will always be with me in my heart. Thanks to some new friends from AMEND who also lost little boys, he was laid to rest with a few items that were given to honor their memory( a beautiful blanket and a cross blessed by the Pope) and hopefully they are all together now.  Its truly unimaginable how much it sucks and how much your heart can hurt when you lose a child. Honestly, I really never thought I would be one of "those" women. The ones you read stories and feel bad about, but they aren't you. Except that, now it is me and I have to figure out how to be without him and be okay. I had to say goodbye to him, but I will remember him and love him always.

At the grocery today, I am in line and that is, of all places, where it hits that my life is moving on without him. I am not pregnant anymore and he is not here. Bleary-eyed, I sit in the car, rest my head on the steering wheel and cry. It was then, that I reached down into the packet of pictures, picked out one of my favorite pictures and tucked it into visor. Now, I can his little face wherever I look up.

This is the video I made  to honor and remember his life:

Big night

I have posted in a few days because I have been busy getting ready for Caden's service. I went into planning mode and had to make sure that it was just right for him. I didn't get everything done that I initially planned, but I think that I honored my little man's memory and his short life inside me. I arrived about an hour ahead of time and put his movie in(which I spent all week working on to make sure it was just right, however, I still don't think its just right yet), set his pictures out and then visited my boy. He looked like a small doll that you might perch upon your shelf or bed and for a minute I think that I would  love to just take him home and have him available to me whenever I miss him. But, then I snap back and see my little one resting peacefully with the hat I knit for him( which fit perfectly, by the way, whew!). Then, suddenly, here they come, the tears that I haven't shed for a few days. I cry for the little boy I lost, the little boy I loved and missed dearly. And I know that this is my fate- sudden, somewhat uncontrollable tears at both opportune and inopportune moments. I just let it go, because my heart hurt and I needed to cry.


Then, one of the directors knocked on the door. So, I took a deep breath, wiped my tears, put on my best smile and went back into planning/auto-pilot mode. It was time for the guests arrive and so I held onto my grief for later. I was so thankful for all the family and friends who were there. But, I also have to apologize if I was distracted or we didn't get to speak too much- I don't do grief well in public and well, I just kinda suck at stuff like this. So please know that I loved that you were there even we didn't really get a chance to speak.


Several times, I would catch myself just watching the video I had made, watching the ultrasounds of his little heart beating, beating so wonderfully, while I was blissfully unaware of what was to come.


So, since I have posted in the past few days, I need to let you know about the preliminary autopsy report. I found out by accident that this even existed and for days, I could think of nothing else. For some of you who don't know me all that well, I am not a person who likes surprises or waiting. My mission for the prior three days was to get my hands on that report, hoping to find a small piece of comfort. And hoping with all my might that I might say in some way " You didn't cause your son to die, It was not your fault, "or maybe "No, there was anything you could have done differently."  Of course, being a medical document and all, those weren't quite the  words I found. Here are the words:1. perimembranous ventricular septal defect, closed(healed) by the septal leaflet of the tricuspid valve, with ballooning of the leaflet into the left ventricular outflow tract(subaortic stenosis) 2. distal origin of the right subclavian artery. 3. mild pyloric stenosis


Okay, so we know that these have to do with the heart and they appear to be defects, however I really wish that they had a section below that says: "What that means is......" In my obsessive mission to obtain that paper, I completely forgot to ask about getting a doctor to go over it with me. After 24 hours of googling without a really clear picture, I decided to turn to Facebook. Though I didn't quite get an answer, thanks to the advice from some great ladies from AMEND, I now have an appointment with the doctor who delivered Caden. I will, of course, update when I find out more.


Okay not sure why these words are smaller than the rest and not really in the mood to fix it tonight. 


Good night, my sweet sweet boy, you're mommy loves you. Like your brother always says " I love you all the way to the desert and the cactus, the stars and the sky, the sun, and the MOON" 

Stolen

Somedays it just hurts more than others. Sometimes, its like it really didn't happen and its just this crazy, horrible dream. And somedays the memories of him kicking, turning and twisting in my belly are painful reminders of the life I never got to hold. Yes, I held Caden, but not the moving and breathing little boy that lived in me- the silent, still, lifeless infant that was stolen from me. Stolen- that's exactly what seems to describe it best. My hopes and dreams for Caden were stolen.I would never get to see him grow, who he would look more like as he grew. I would never get to know what his personality was like. I would never get to see his first smile, his first tooth, his first steps- all moments stolen, gone forever for Caden. When I see my other two boys it is a reminder of things I will never get to see in Caden. NEVER.  And that part make my heart ache.

Still not quite ready to face the world, Facebook is my portal, but every newborn post and picture is a painful reminder of what I won't have with Caden .I admit that there is some jealousy there, ok there is a lot of jealousy there. Today I saw a picture of a a friend's beautiful little newborn sleeping on his dad's chest. Jealousy once again creeps in because that moment was stolen from my husband and from me. The feeling of nursing him...stolen.  I cherished the boy that grew inside me, but it wasn't always easy...morning sickness, panicked moments, trips to a far away hospital for special sonograms, added weight, plantar fascitis, discomfort...all worth it...when you get that prize...your beautiful baby. But my prize was stolen and I can never have it back.  Every time that realization hits, its like I am whisked back to that moment, the moment that we couldn't find his heartbeat.  When my chest became tight,  the room began to fade, the world seemed to stop and I felt as though I couldn't breathe. I wonder how and when it will ever stop hurting so much, when that realization hits, sometimes without warning,  about what was stolen from me and would never be returned.

Here at 27 weeks, his little heart beat strong

Today, I was working on the movie about my sweet boy. I started watching the DVD of his ultrasound done in March to include in the movie. I saw his little heart beating away and I cried, cried so hard that it hurt. We were so close, right there his little heart was beating.  Tuesday afternoon on May 15th his heart was beating. I wish I could have held him and felt his little heart beating. I even admit that I am jealous of the women whose babies lived even for a few minutes, hours or days, because at least they have the memories of holding their baby alive and feeling that heart beat.That moment was stolen from me. It is just so unfair, why my boy? Why? There are drug addicts, alcoholics,  and women that care little about anything but themselves who have babies born alive. Some babies are born weighing a pound or two and survive. But my little boy who was almost five pounds with no obvious health problems who came from an imperfect, but loving mother who took care of herself and the little baby inside, did not. I feel robbed. My little boy was stolen and I will never every get him back.


Loving you and missing Caden, today and always.

Overload

Yesterday was not a good day. First thing in the morning we get a call from my mom that she fell and couldn't get up, so we had to rush over there. Rushing to my mom's for a health related reason has become normal lately, but this morning I felt resentful( I know that sounds terrible), but I was having a bad morning and one of those days that I feel like I wanted to cry and grieve for my Caden. Sometimes it just comes like that-quick and without warning.

My mom seemed okay when we were there. Hubby found out that he didn't have school, so he took Brady with him for most of the day, minus a couple errands to take my sons soccer stuff to his dad's across town and then to pick up Caden's pictures and check prices at Michael's for collage frames and scrapbooks. I got back to my mom's just in time for them to tell me that her nurse had been there and her sugar was really high, so she had given her insulin. I stay there with her, chat with my aunt  and start knitting Caden's hat. Then she goes to lay down and seems to not feel well. My aunt and I are about to check her sugar and my brother then walks int the door. Hubby gets back with Brady. Then Chaos pretty much ensues as we find her sugar to be 56 and then frantically try to get her sugar up to a decent level. After getting it mostly under control, I am putting things away in the kitchen and I feel myself start to lose it. I pick my bags up and tell hubby that I need to go...NOW. I get to the car and lose it completely. I have to go home and just decompress. Its just all too much for me. I just lost my son, my world is completely turned over and I just don't feel like I can deal with my mom's stuff right now. I know that sounds terrible and selfish, but I just have so much right now. I wish I had money to just hire her a nurse for like a month to just some time to get myself together and then I could just check on her when I am having good moments. I just feel like I am losing it and I can't be any good to her like that. And I have a alot of bad moments right now and sometimes I don't even know when they are going to happen. I love my mom soo much and she had done soo much for me, but sometimes I wish she would have taken care of herself when she found out she had diabetes and that she could just be a normal active grandmother like when my older son was young. Brady won't know her the way Nathan did. I feel terrible, but sometimes I am so jealous of my cousins for having a healthy mom. And  she really does try to help in ways that she can and its not totally her fault, I just wish I had known sooner and made her take care of herself sooner. I miss the way things were, just like I miss my Caden and I can't turn back the clock for either of them and for me. I know that I need to go forward, but right now I just want to go back, back when things were good. How I wish I had the power to do that- go back to when my mom was healthy and when Caden wasn't gone.

I get home  and lay in bed, watching TV and checking email  with my chocolate covered almonds and a glass of wine and just cry. I see this article about nursing moms in the military on yahoo and suddenly, I notice and feel my milk filling. It was probably already there, but somehow seeing the picture just made me realize it. Then , it hit like a ton of bricks, the overwhelming urge..need to nurse my baby. Having nursed my 2nd son until he was almost 2 and a half, I think made me feel more of what I was missing. I almost wished Brady was still nursing at that moment, the need was that strong. At that moment, I felt Caden's loss more than ever- I would never get to nurse him....never.  I lay in bed and cried more. I was overwhelmed and I missed my baby. I am so glad that hubby was home tonight and it was not a station night. I needed to cry and I needed to cry a lot. I don't know how mother's endure this, I really don't. Some days, sometimes, Its like a dream. Sometimes it feels like I wasn't ever pregnant, Sometimes I can't believe I am not pregnant anymore. Sometimes and some days I can't believe my baby is really gone. Its system overload at this point, but with this terrible, terrible ache, right in the middle of my heart.

Loving you and missing you, my sweet, sweet, boy.

Wishing

Yesterday, I took Brady to the park, figuring it wouldn't be too crowded because of the holiday. Luckily, it wasn't. But, of course, there sat a young couple with their young son-about one-ish. The blissful and happy mom had a pregnant belly of about 6 months. I couldn't help but wish I was back in that moment of my pregnancy,eagerly awaiting his arrival. Instead of happily anticipating a  delivery date, the date of his service now looms over me.

In line at the store, I catch a glimpse of that stupid Snooki character( from a show I never watched) and her pregnant belly. I know its judgmental, but I couldn't help thinking" She'll probably have a healthy baby and it makes me mad that someone like her will have her little boy and I have to bury mine." I was wishing that I could go back to when I was pregnant and he was alive, when I was walking in this very grocery store aisle answering questions about when I was due and joking about my size.


Last night, I dreamed of Caden- it was the first time, actually. I won't go into detail too much because you know how dreams are- disjointed and unclear, so it wouldn't make sense anyway. But, basically it was about him being gone for a few days and then me realizing that I could still nurse him and my milk was still in. In my dreams, I nursed Caden. When I woke, I ached with the realization that it was just a dream. I wished I could go back to that dream. But even more, I wished it could have been real.

In the last few days, I have seen a lot of posts about moms of newbies and their nursing issues or the sick infants and I was wishing that I could be complaining about that right now instead of seeing the empty belly and empty arms before me. I wished I could have some live infant related issue to complain about, I really really wished I did. Why couldn't that be me?

This morning, as we were leaving the house, Brady and I were holding hands and he looked at me and said,"I want Caden" in this really sweet, but kinda sad way. And I replied back" I do too"

So here I now sit wishing, just wishing with all my heart, that he could be here in my arms right now.

Changes

A quick trip to Publix with hubby and the little guy:  One newbie and one pregnant woman sighted :(  I can't help but feel hurt. I wonder if that will ever go away. How will ever I face pregnant women and women with newborns and not feel this way? Losing Caden has changed me forever. I don't know the extent of all the changes, not yet anyway. But, I know that I will never view pregnancy the same.  After our first miscarriage, I would think that once I got to a certain point in pregnancy that I was safe. Now, there is no safe point until baby is in my arms and alive. I know more than ever, that every minute of every day with your loved ones, including ones growing inside you are precious and I will never take that for granted again.  I know that the statement "everything happens for a reason" doesn't apply really apply situation like this (okay ,well, for me it doesn't). Though I know that people say it as a form of comfort and they are trying to be positive in this dark moment. But, I know that any reason that could be found would pale in comparison to my desire to have son back. I also  found that people will surprise you in some amazing, some good and some not so good ways when it comes to something like this. But most of all, I know that I can/will never forget Caden and that even though it may get better, the pain will always be there. I lost a piece of my heart, I am changed forever. Loving you and missing you Caden , today and always.

Bring on the wine/whine

Yesterday, I was too overwhelmed  to even post about my day. Yesterday I woke up and it was just one of those mornings that I woke up missing and aching for my baby from the very start. I waited for hubby to leave the house with the two boys(taking my older son to school) and then let the waterworks begin- I didn' t even make coffee, just laid in bed and cried. When hubby got back we were going to visit with my mom and pick up our laundry, but on our way my brother called to let us know that ambulances were there because her blood sugar was dangerously low - a common occurance as of late. My brother needed to go to work , so I had hubby take my little guy with him to work. So the next few hours were filled with me quickly getting the little guy breakfast, getting to the hospital, talking to doctors and fielding calls to and from aunts and uncles. I allowed myself to cry all the way to the hospital so that I might be coherent while there. Meaning well, at one point someone said that it was probably best anyway to focus on problems right in front of me anyway. I said "umm...yeah...I guess" but really I was thinking "no way, not right now" Maybe Caden wasn't "right in front of me" but I felt like his loss was all over me, enveloping me, even if others can't always see it. At the hospital, I kept thinking that the last I was there, I was pregnant with Caden and he was alive. At one point, I started to cry while trying to talk to the nurse- fail! I hate crying in front of others, especially strangers.

Suddenly, it was time to pick up my older son and deal with a test issue. I cried the whole way to his school. Then comes the call from his dad about an email from school. The teenage years are not exactly the easiest, and today I just didn't want to deal with it, but I had to. Not getting into too much detail about that, because of course I know he hates when I talk about him to other people, but lets just say it wasn't fun.

From that fun situation, I get to then travel to the funeral home to pick out a casket. Yep, you guessed it, cried the whole way there too. What really takes the cake is that, not only am I here at this place in reality, picking out a casket for my baby, but now I am filling out a form where the first line states "name of fetus"  Fetus??!! WTF??? I had a baby. I wanted to scratch it out vehemently. I expressed my dissatisfaction with that statement, not that it changed anything for the moment.Ugh...I really need to send an email to somebody about this. Later.

From the funeral home I cry as I make my way back home to check on said Teenagers homework and ask questions about school situation. Cook dinner. Glance over at wine and realize that I could really use a glass. I haven't had wine in a very long time. The catch is, as glad as I am that I can now drink wine, I am sad because the only reason I can drink the wine is because Caden is gone. Take a shower as soon as hubby gets home so I can cry again.  I love my boys and am thankful for everyday that they are here and healthy, but I just miss my Caden soo much. I have never known such pain in my life and wonder how I will endure this. I know its not productive but I can't help but to still wonder "why? why? why? why me??" and to wish with all my might that I could go back to Tuesday. Tuesday when he was alive.

Getting out...

Yesterday, I decided that I couldn't stay in the house another moment.  I know that technically, I am not supposed to drive, but it was too hot for a walk, so I decided to take my little guy to Gator Freds. There, he could play while I relaxed a bit in the nice air conditioning and I wouldn't have to worry about chasing him around too much-he's a runner:).  Thankfully, it was a quiet day and there were no pregnant moms or young infants in sight. I enjoyed watching Brady play and for a while  and take my mind away from my sadness. There was a moment, upon seeing a a young toddler that I wondered what Caden would look like and sound like at that age, but I soon snapped myself back out of it and turned my attention back to my jubilant 2 year old bouncing around like nobody's business. His smiles can sure make anyone's  day

Mothers's day photo thanks to Uncle Gary:)

Of course, good times were balanced out by a trip to the funeral home to make obligatory decisions about Caden's services. I felt sick inside the funeral home and couldn't believe that I was really there doing what I was doing. And for a  while, I don't think I was really there, more like going through the motions, as if it were someone else's life.  I began to sink into "auto mode" emailing and dealing with business matters like bills and Brady's preschool next year.  I pushed reality back into a part of my head for a time, I needed a break from that harsh reality for a moment. I washed clothes( drying them outside in the sun happens to work pretty well in the absence of a working dryer),I put them away. I picked up my older son from school.
(If my Labor of Love peeps are reading this, please pretend that you don't know that I am doing all of this....)  I thought about work plans for the fall and researched options and I scheduled pre-k tours for Brady.  It felt "good"(not sure if its really "good" or just better than horrible) to get my mind off things for a bit.

I am thankful for support from wonderful old friends  and new friends and especially my new friends from AMEND- you know who you are ladies:) I couldn't get through this without them. You find out the wonderfulness(is that a word??) and the true character of people around you in times like these. And honestly, at times I don't feel like I deserve it, but I am sure glad that I have it and I sure hope that I can be as good and and return the kindness that I have been shown.

Then, just when normal seems in sight, night time came and I lay down and I felt that emptiness again and I cry and I tell hubby that I just miss him soo much. And I realize, I will never be normal again. I was told, I would find a "new normal"  I just haven't quite figured out what that is yet...and so far I don't really like it :(

11:11

So I was avoiding sleep as usual, and noticed the clock showed 11:11. And superstitious as it may be, I usually make a wish. Suddenly, I realized I didn't have anything to wish for at the moment. If I thought it would do anything I would wish for Caden to alive and healthy and peacefully sleeping in his co-sleeper or even at the hospital waiting to gain the pounds needed to go home. Before Caden's birth, our finances were a bit on the lean side and so I often wished  for money.  And though we could probably use it, it doesn't seem to matter as much now. I'd take Caden over any amount of money-ANY amount of money. I also often wished to meet him soon and that he would be healthy(that one didn't work). What else does one wish for when you lose a child?You can't wish them back. I will just wish for the continued health of my other 2 boys from now on. Money just doesn't seem to matter as much anymore.

Not my story

Mornings have been the toughest, but today seems to be one of the worst so far. I don't want this to be my story anymore. I know it seems terrible and selfish, but I want someone else to have it, I don't want to be in this "new group" of special people who have lost their children. I want my Caden back. I want to to go back in time to that Tuesday and change things, I would give almost anything to be able to do that.


Today, hubby is gone for the whole day and I had to make sure that my older son got to school okay and feed my toddler breakfast and get him dressed. It was crazy getting back to a "normal" schedule.  I just wish that included me still being pregnant or having my little bubs with me. It was too overwhelming for me today- I am not totally physically healed either and I haven't been able to totally get myself together and stop crying today. To make matters worse, the dryer is broken, the pool is green and there are dishes in the sink.I wish I could fix it all right now, but not only am I mess emotionally, I am not exactly physically healed. Insert tears here. Oh, and as if my empty belly and empty arms aren't enough of a reminder of my lost son, my milk is starting to come in, as if to taunt me further. Insert more tears here.

When I found out I was pregnant with Caden, it was a surprise because we had stopped trying after my husband lost his job. It was definitely unexpected and it wasn't easy. I feel that going through this pregnancy with all the obstacles we had(including finding out that my mother had pancreatic cancer) and then to get to the end, only to have my boy taken away is so very cruel. I am having one of those "its not fair" and I want to stomp my foot and cry "its not fair"kinda days, because really  it isn't. I want to go back to Tuesday.

My mom and I the week before Caden's birth

Today I am missing my boy. Today I am heartbroken. Today I can't stop crying. I have to get through today.

Loving you and missing you today Caden.

Waking up

Going to sleep and waking up- those seem to two of the hardest things to do lately. I am tired at night but fight sleep, as I know it will, inevitably lead to waking up another day. I don't mean in the sense that I don't want to wake up, but in the sense that another day has passed without him and another morning where the harsh reality of what happened washes over me. But wake up I must and I do. Mornings seem to be the hardest times right now, as the quiet of the morning without a crying or cooing newborn echoes loudly in my head and my heart. Thankfully, once my active two year old is awake, my mind is busied by his antics and requests, his snuggles and his kisses.

Today had its ups and downs. I will be glad that my other son will be coming home from his soccer tournament and I will have both my boys with me. I worry though, because my sadness is harder to hide from a teenager.

My boys on Mother's day:)

A horrible dream

Yesterday, I gave birth to my beautiful third son, Caden. It should have been a joyous occasion, instead, however, it was the saddest day of my life. My son, Caden, the beautiful boy I carried for over 35 weeks had died. Giving birth was bittersweet-I got to meet him, but I also had to say goodbye. I was and still am heartbroken.

Wednesday afternoon we could find no heartbeat and later that day we would get the confirmation that he was gone. The days prior were filled with worries about his decreased movments. I had spent both days at the birth center and OB office with reassurances that he was okay, but something still nagged in me that Caden wasn't acting normally. I realize now, that I "knew" that something was wrong. I am and probably will always be wracked with guilt about what else I could have done, whether or not it resulted in a different outcome for my sweet boy.


It was rainy the day we found out and rained most of our first day at the hospital- the earth was crying with us. They started the pitocin around 4 on Wednesday and I finally had him at 2:51am on Friday morning. The days prior to his birth felt like a a horrible dream and I kept hoping to wake up. I chose to not receive pain medications for the birth and follow through with my initial plans for a natural birth. It hurt, It hurt like hell, my body was in as much pain as my heart, but my midwife and nurse encouraged me on. I know that towards the end, I was not the stoic patient I wanted to be, I was an absolute disaster, but they all put up with me. I started to doubt I could make it another minute. What they refer to as "the ring of fire" felt more like an inferno- I cried and I screamed as Caden finally made his way out, silent and still. There were no cries like my sons before him and  I will never know what his cry sounded like. But, I cried for him. I am still crying for him.

,

I think this one is hardest for me to share because it shows  emotions I don't usually share in public, but  its real and I didn't want to hide it.

 

We held him, weighed him and dressed him while he remained eternally asleep. We took pictures, lots of pictures. We slept with him next to me for a bit-the only cosleeping we would get to do. It was time to move from the labor and delivery room and I asked to be put in the GYN unit instead of postpartum, as I knew I couldn't bear to hear other babies crying.I held him as they pushed me to my new room.  Once we got there, it was about 5:30 in the morning. I sunk into my bed and I held my precious boy against my chest, while my husband slept next to me. I could no longer sleep, I didn't want to miss any of these moments. I needed to make a memory of how he felt and I wanted it to last as long as possible.The photographer came to take photos. Then, we introduced our 2 and a half year old son to his brother. He lovingly kissed him and hugged him. When the nurse finally came to take him later that day, Brady did not want to see him go. He keeps asking "is Caden there?" gesturing towards the hospital rooms. It was hard to make him understand and I felt bad for him, as we spent so much time trying to make him excited about the baby and now we were having to make him understand why he wouldn't be around.

I hated leaving the hospital without him- HATED IT. I was mad and sad and overwhelmed with the reality, my heart was broken and no one could fix it. Seeing my other boys was definitely healing and my love for them keeps me going, but there is still a hole there that Caden's passing left.