stuck

The last few days I have felt stuck in this sadness funk. I can't seem to shake it right now. It started somewhat Sunday morning at breakfast with my family. It was like breakfast as always, no talk of Caden, like he never even existed. Something just seemed to snap in me, I was angry that everyone seemed to just be okay. I didn't show it, didn't let on, but I was. I know that I can't expect them all to mope around forever,  I am still sad and I want to be sad. The rest of that day, I didn't want to do anything- I watched my husband and son in the pool. But, I was stuck, stuck missing my baby and wanting to be sad for the life that I lost. I sat on the living room couch and watched the memorial video I made him a few times. I read other women's stories. I researched about Down's syndrome and heart defects. I was stuck.

Later we went to dinner because it was my uncle's last night in Florida. Midway through dinner, I just wanted to get out of there. I felt as though I might burst - unable to sit through pleasantries and a general feeling of normalcy. I didn't feel normal. I felt like screaming "my baby is dead! why are we just sitting around talking about nothing!" Of course, I didn't. I just sat there, holding in my heartache. I really hate to admit it, but I was glad when dinner was over. I could finally breathe and grieve alone for my loss. For me, its just hard to be sad in public. Oddly enough, I am open about a lot of things, but real feelings, real emotions, I hide. Even in the hospital, after my initial breakdown upon learning that my baby's heart no longer beat, I would wait until visitors and nurses were gone before crying. I could talk about it, but, for me, I just can't seem to cry in public, its just not something I  can do. So, I generally do two things: hold it in if I can or run to nearest door and get out fast.  That night I did the former and then eventually the latter, because I really hate to make people uncomfortable, even family, most of the time.

When I am home with Brady by myself, I keep busy with him because I don't want to take away from his time, but as soon as he naps or Jon comes home I am back to my grief - watching his video, researching, and reading other women's stories. I wish I could explain it, but it just feels like a need right now and if I try to push it away, I feel worse. So for now, I give in to it, from time to time.