Yesterday, I was too overwhelmed to even post about my day. Yesterday I woke up and it was just one of those mornings that I woke up missing and aching for my baby from the very start. I waited for hubby to leave the house with the two boys(taking my older son to school) and then let the waterworks begin- I didn' t even make coffee, just laid in bed and cried. When hubby got back we were going to visit with my mom and pick up our laundry, but on our way my brother called to let us know that ambulances were there because her blood sugar was dangerously low - a common occurance as of late. My brother needed to go to work , so I had hubby take my little guy with him to work. So the next few hours were filled with me quickly getting the little guy breakfast, getting to the hospital, talking to doctors and fielding calls to and from aunts and uncles. I allowed myself to cry all the way to the hospital so that I might be coherent while there. Meaning well, at one point someone said that it was probably best anyway to focus on problems right in front of me anyway. I said "umm...yeah...I guess" but really I was thinking "no way, not right now" Maybe Caden wasn't "right in front of me" but I felt like his loss was all over me, enveloping me, even if others can't always see it. At the hospital, I kept thinking that the last I was there, I was pregnant with Caden and he was alive. At one point, I started to cry while trying to talk to the nurse- fail! I hate crying in front of others, especially strangers.
Suddenly, it was time to pick up my older son and deal with a test issue. I cried the whole way to his school. Then comes the call from his dad about an email from school. The teenage years are not exactly the easiest, and today I just didn't want to deal with it, but I had to. Not getting into too much detail about that, because of course I know he hates when I talk about him to other people, but lets just say it wasn't fun.
From that fun situation, I get to then travel to the funeral home to pick out a casket. Yep, you guessed it, cried the whole way there too. What really takes the cake is that, not only am I here at this place in reality, picking out a casket for my baby, but now I am filling out a form where the first line states "name of fetus" Fetus??!! WTF??? I had a baby. I wanted to scratch it out vehemently. I expressed my dissatisfaction with that statement, not that it changed anything for the moment.Ugh...I really need to send an email to somebody about this. Later.
From the funeral home I cry as I make my way back home to check on said Teenagers homework and ask questions about school situation. Cook dinner. Glance over at wine and realize that I could really use a glass. I haven't had wine in a very long time. The catch is, as glad as I am that I can now drink wine, I am sad because the only reason I can drink the wine is because Caden is gone. Take a shower as soon as hubby gets home so I can cry again. I love my boys and am thankful for everyday that they are here and healthy, but I just miss my Caden soo much. I have never known such pain in my life and wonder how I will endure this. I know its not productive but I can't help but to still wonder "why? why? why? why me??" and to wish with all my might that I could go back to Tuesday. Tuesday when he was alive.
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