Wishing

Yesterday, I took Brady to the park, figuring it wouldn't be too crowded because of the holiday. Luckily, it wasn't. But, of course, there sat a young couple with their young son-about one-ish. The blissful and happy mom had a pregnant belly of about 6 months. I couldn't help but wish I was back in that moment of my pregnancy,eagerly awaiting his arrival. Instead of happily anticipating a  delivery date, the date of his service now looms over me.

In line at the store, I catch a glimpse of that stupid Snooki character( from a show I never watched) and her pregnant belly. I know its judgmental, but I couldn't help thinking" She'll probably have a healthy baby and it makes me mad that someone like her will have her little boy and I have to bury mine." I was wishing that I could go back to when I was pregnant and he was alive, when I was walking in this very grocery store aisle answering questions about when I was due and joking about my size.


Last night, I dreamed of Caden- it was the first time, actually. I won't go into detail too much because you know how dreams are- disjointed and unclear, so it wouldn't make sense anyway. But, basically it was about him being gone for a few days and then me realizing that I could still nurse him and my milk was still in. In my dreams, I nursed Caden. When I woke, I ached with the realization that it was just a dream. I wished I could go back to that dream. But even more, I wished it could have been real.

In the last few days, I have seen a lot of posts about moms of newbies and their nursing issues or the sick infants and I was wishing that I could be complaining about that right now instead of seeing the empty belly and empty arms before me. I wished I could have some live infant related issue to complain about, I really really wished I did. Why couldn't that be me?

This morning, as we were leaving the house, Brady and I were holding hands and he looked at me and said,"I want Caden" in this really sweet, but kinda sad way. And I replied back" I do too"

So here I now sit wishing, just wishing with all my heart, that he could be here in my arms right now.