two steps forward....

So, its my third week of work and things were going okay, I was beginning my "new normal".  This past week, at group, I publicly addressed my personal guilt over Caden's death. It was odd to share something so personal, so emotional, but I did it, I needed them to know. A confession of sorts, I guess. Of course, people expressed that I did the best with the information I had. And I can sort of see that, but the guilt still sits there like a rock in my heart...I just can't seem to get rid of it, can't seem to chip away at it. I just can't seem to get rid of that guilt and  the feeling that I let him down. I dream, I hope, I pray, and I sometimes even plead for the ability to go back and change my actions. I know, I know, silly and pointless, right? And yet, I can't help but think it, for even the tiniest chance of it occuring....even if its only in my mind. Okay. I sometimes pretend that I did things differently and I let the scenario play out in my mind like a movie and for those few minutes I can pretend, pretend that I saved him, pretend that he was born alive, pretend that I saw him open his eyes and move his little body, if even if just for a few precious minutes.

Recently, my two year old declared that he was no longer using a sippy cup, because he was "a big boy now". He then takes the cup and  says, "we'll save it for Caden, when the doctor fixes him and he comes home." That just broke my heart. Not only do I carry the guilt for letting Caden down, I also feel like I let Brady down ...to lose his first little brother....to experience a loss like this at such a young age. I know that he doesn't fully grasp it because he is always wanting to "save" things for Caden. It really touches me, but it breaks my heart too.

Last night, while driving home I just broke down( oddly, my breakdowns seem to occur most often in the car). I just suddenly felt Caden's loss as if I was experiencing it for the first time again. I don't know if that's normal, but I cried the whole way home, with my heart breaking all over again. So, I'm in this "new normal", but I'll never really be normal, because I will never have my Caden with me(except in my heart). And sometimes, when I allow myself to really think about it, I just can't believe that this had really  happened and I just hate the reality of his absence...I really really hate it.

And oh, by the way, in case you've missed my coverage of it prior posts,  there is no "reason" that you could give that would make it okay for Caden to be gone. NONE!  I have begun  to realize how truly pointless that  saying is as a source of comfort.  My baby boy has been gone for 4 months now and I still miss him as much as the day he left.

Two steps forward,one step back, but I keep on trying and I will make sure that no forgets you little one....you are loved, you are missed, you are never forgotten.