It was a long night- my mom had another sugar crash. When I finally felt like her sugar was up and she was stablized, I headed home. And for some reason, all I could think about was Caden the entire drive home. How much I missed him. I saw this quote recently on another baby loss mom's facebook page:
""If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember they lived, and that's a great, great gift." Elizabeth Edwards
I thought that is pretty much right on. I hope to get people to understand that. I never forget about him.
Also, this post was recommended by a friend and for fellow baby loss moms or for those trying to understand a little more, its a good read:
http://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-44-how-you-get-unstuck/
"The live on planet Earth, you live on planet My baby died"
And I'm still there, the one relieving thing is there are other people living there with me and we are helping each other survive life on that harsh planet.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Catching up
I know, I know , its been awhile. I'm finally catching up with life around me, so let me catch you up with what has been going on.
Holidays- Ok, so I know that 4th of July isn't exactly Christmas, but it was the first major holiday I had to deal with since Caden's death. The hardest part was facing people that I thought let me down, people who didn't think it was important enough to come to Caden's memorial or graveside service. Suprisingly, these were mostly family members. I had been thinking, wondering, all day, how I would handle it. I am not a confrontational person, but I am not very good at hiding my feelings either. So when we pulled up to the house, I could feel the pit in my stomach growing, the tears in my eyes welling, and butterflies in stomach. Thankfully, I phoned my mini AMEND help line aka one of the wonderful AMEND mamas who have been there for me. So, when you read this, thank you so much dear friend. I find it hard to understand why family who live 15-20 minutes away can't find a few minutes to attend a service for a family member's child. It's not like they are distant family members, they are close and live close by. My aunt and uncle flew in from NY to be there, but people couldn't drive 15 minutes to be there for even a minute. I had friends that I hadn't even seen in a while come to his service so I just can't understand. It hurts that they felt that it wasn't important enough to show up to my son's service- that he wasn't important enough. When its a celebration, everyone can make sure to be there, but they couldn't be there for Caden, Jon, and me and that hurts. I don't think I will ever feel the same about them. Those same people, upon seeing me for the first time after Caden's death, still never made an attempt to offer any condolences to me. Inside I wanted to scream "Why weren't you there? He was real, he was beautiful, we loved him and he's gone, doesn't that matter?!!" But, I didn't. I am not exactly looking forward to more family events in the future.
Final Results- Well, apparently, the OB I consulted with isn't exactly an expert in heart defects. Because, it turns out that Caden's heart defects were minor and he had no other health issues. In fact, my placenta was the cause of his death. I was heartbroken, I didn't fully understand the cause of death-placental maturation defect, so all I felt was an incredible guilt that it wasn't his heart but my body that killed him. Getting the results was difficult and then you have to jump through more hoops to even get somebody to explain it to you- get a referral, get insurance approval(or pay around $200), get all the records sent and then make an appointment for sometime to just tell you what the freakin piece of paper means. I just don't get it? As if we haven't been through enough. When I watch Dr. G, she calls the family and talks to them for like 5 minutes and bam, problem solved. You mean, that they can't take 5 minutes to explain what this thing means. Thank God for google, at least. I did discover through internet research and Down Syndrome pregnancy boards that the placenta also carries the extra chromosome which can result in defects in the placenta, which is why they monitor Down Syndrome Pregnancies closely in the last trimester. I will never turn down screenings again and I sure hope that if in the future, a mom turns down an amnio that MFMs will at least have the decency to give pregnant these potential problems(given that Caden had a soft marker for DS), as well as let them know that there are non-invasive tests like Materniti21 available.
Finally, we took a brief family vacation to Sanibel Island. It was nice to get away for a bit, it really was, but there was this feeling that it just wasn't complete, that someone was missing. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time with my family and I feel blessed to have my 2 wonderful boys with me, but I still miss my Caden and it just hurts that he was not there with us.
Holidays- Ok, so I know that 4th of July isn't exactly Christmas, but it was the first major holiday I had to deal with since Caden's death. The hardest part was facing people that I thought let me down, people who didn't think it was important enough to come to Caden's memorial or graveside service. Suprisingly, these were mostly family members. I had been thinking, wondering, all day, how I would handle it. I am not a confrontational person, but I am not very good at hiding my feelings either. So when we pulled up to the house, I could feel the pit in my stomach growing, the tears in my eyes welling, and butterflies in stomach. Thankfully, I phoned my mini AMEND help line aka one of the wonderful AMEND mamas who have been there for me. So, when you read this, thank you so much dear friend. I find it hard to understand why family who live 15-20 minutes away can't find a few minutes to attend a service for a family member's child. It's not like they are distant family members, they are close and live close by. My aunt and uncle flew in from NY to be there, but people couldn't drive 15 minutes to be there for even a minute. I had friends that I hadn't even seen in a while come to his service so I just can't understand. It hurts that they felt that it wasn't important enough to show up to my son's service- that he wasn't important enough. When its a celebration, everyone can make sure to be there, but they couldn't be there for Caden, Jon, and me and that hurts. I don't think I will ever feel the same about them. Those same people, upon seeing me for the first time after Caden's death, still never made an attempt to offer any condolences to me. Inside I wanted to scream "Why weren't you there? He was real, he was beautiful, we loved him and he's gone, doesn't that matter?!!" But, I didn't. I am not exactly looking forward to more family events in the future.
Final Results- Well, apparently, the OB I consulted with isn't exactly an expert in heart defects. Because, it turns out that Caden's heart defects were minor and he had no other health issues. In fact, my placenta was the cause of his death. I was heartbroken, I didn't fully understand the cause of death-placental maturation defect, so all I felt was an incredible guilt that it wasn't his heart but my body that killed him. Getting the results was difficult and then you have to jump through more hoops to even get somebody to explain it to you- get a referral, get insurance approval(or pay around $200), get all the records sent and then make an appointment for sometime to just tell you what the freakin piece of paper means. I just don't get it? As if we haven't been through enough. When I watch Dr. G, she calls the family and talks to them for like 5 minutes and bam, problem solved. You mean, that they can't take 5 minutes to explain what this thing means. Thank God for google, at least. I did discover through internet research and Down Syndrome pregnancy boards that the placenta also carries the extra chromosome which can result in defects in the placenta, which is why they monitor Down Syndrome Pregnancies closely in the last trimester. I will never turn down screenings again and I sure hope that if in the future, a mom turns down an amnio that MFMs will at least have the decency to give pregnant these potential problems(given that Caden had a soft marker for DS), as well as let them know that there are non-invasive tests like Materniti21 available.
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| My 2 older boys enjoying Sanibel |
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