Not my story

Mornings have been the toughest, but today seems to be one of the worst so far. I don't want this to be my story anymore. I know it seems terrible and selfish, but I want someone else to have it, I don't want to be in this "new group" of special people who have lost their children. I want my Caden back. I want to to go back in time to that Tuesday and change things, I would give almost anything to be able to do that.


Today, hubby is gone for the whole day and I had to make sure that my older son got to school okay and feed my toddler breakfast and get him dressed. It was crazy getting back to a "normal" schedule.  I just wish that included me still being pregnant or having my little bubs with me. It was too overwhelming for me today- I am not totally physically healed either and I haven't been able to totally get myself together and stop crying today. To make matters worse, the dryer is broken, the pool is green and there are dishes in the sink.I wish I could fix it all right now, but not only am I mess emotionally, I am not exactly physically healed. Insert tears here. Oh, and as if my empty belly and empty arms aren't enough of a reminder of my lost son, my milk is starting to come in, as if to taunt me further. Insert more tears here.

When I found out I was pregnant with Caden, it was a surprise because we had stopped trying after my husband lost his job. It was definitely unexpected and it wasn't easy. I feel that going through this pregnancy with all the obstacles we had(including finding out that my mother had pancreatic cancer) and then to get to the end, only to have my boy taken away is so very cruel. I am having one of those "its not fair" and I want to stomp my foot and cry "its not fair"kinda days, because really  it isn't. I want to go back to Tuesday.

My mom and I the week before Caden's birth

Today I am missing my boy. Today I am heartbroken. Today I can't stop crying. I have to get through today.

Loving you and missing you today Caden.