The start of a new normal?

So, I started a new job last week as a part-time preschool teacher. Even though its only part time, its still a lot of work considering planning and preparation. During open house,  I saw a mom with her newbie taking her 3 year old to see her new teacher and I couldn't help thinking  "that should be me", but I focus on my classroom and talking to my parents and pretend to be unfazed.  For me, part of my new normal means pretending, pretending that I am not upset or that something doesn't bother me, when it actually does.

Another new normal, the realization and acceptance of the fact that I may never fully forgive myself for not going to hospital that Tuesday night. It may sound crazy because I know that on a few occasions I have pronounced that I am at peace with things...lie!  I don't care what anyone tells me or words of comfort they may bring. There is not a week(sometimes a day) that goes by where I don't replay that day in my head at some point. Sometimes, even, I almost  trick myself into thinking that I am really there and I decide to go to the hospital and Caden is born, but this time I get to hear him cry,  or at the very least, hold him while his heart still beats.  Sounds crazy, right? Well, I don't care, sometimes its what I have to do.  Believe me, I've tried all the angles with myself and no matter what I always end up in the same place...guilt. So, instead of continually trying to get out of guit, I have decided to take a new approach....acceptance of the fact that I probably won't ever fully forgive myself. I didn't trust my gut and I let my worry about what others think of me guide my decision-making. Never again. So, while I will never fully forgive myself, I learned a very good, very difficult lesson. I just wish I wouldn't have had to lose my son to learn it. And now, in his honor, I will always trust my gut and never allow what others think of me to guide important decisions.

A little off my topic, but I just want to say how much it means when friends and family acknowledge you my precious little one. I can't help that it hurts that there are still people who have still never done a thing or said a word. I hope that someday you will give me the strength to forgive them. But, there are also some wonderful people, some I haven't even known very long that send messages that warm my heart and say to me  "you mattered", "our beautiful little Caden mattered", and even though you didn't live outside me, you mattered. You were a person with fully formed fingers and toes and the most perfect little button nose. And those people...I love them for it, for if not for them, surely the healing process would be longer Maybe you could send them some special blessings from above that their kindness is returned.

I love you and miss you so much my little one..tears fall constantly in my heart and I hope you know how much you are loved, missed, cherished and remembered.