Big night

I have posted in a few days because I have been busy getting ready for Caden's service. I went into planning mode and had to make sure that it was just right for him. I didn't get everything done that I initially planned, but I think that I honored my little man's memory and his short life inside me. I arrived about an hour ahead of time and put his movie in(which I spent all week working on to make sure it was just right, however, I still don't think its just right yet), set his pictures out and then visited my boy. He looked like a small doll that you might perch upon your shelf or bed and for a minute I think that I would  love to just take him home and have him available to me whenever I miss him. But, then I snap back and see my little one resting peacefully with the hat I knit for him( which fit perfectly, by the way, whew!). Then, suddenly, here they come, the tears that I haven't shed for a few days. I cry for the little boy I lost, the little boy I loved and missed dearly. And I know that this is my fate- sudden, somewhat uncontrollable tears at both opportune and inopportune moments. I just let it go, because my heart hurt and I needed to cry.


Then, one of the directors knocked on the door. So, I took a deep breath, wiped my tears, put on my best smile and went back into planning/auto-pilot mode. It was time for the guests arrive and so I held onto my grief for later. I was so thankful for all the family and friends who were there. But, I also have to apologize if I was distracted or we didn't get to speak too much- I don't do grief well in public and well, I just kinda suck at stuff like this. So please know that I loved that you were there even we didn't really get a chance to speak.


Several times, I would catch myself just watching the video I had made, watching the ultrasounds of his little heart beating, beating so wonderfully, while I was blissfully unaware of what was to come.


So, since I have posted in the past few days, I need to let you know about the preliminary autopsy report. I found out by accident that this even existed and for days, I could think of nothing else. For some of you who don't know me all that well, I am not a person who likes surprises or waiting. My mission for the prior three days was to get my hands on that report, hoping to find a small piece of comfort. And hoping with all my might that I might say in some way " You didn't cause your son to die, It was not your fault, "or maybe "No, there was anything you could have done differently."  Of course, being a medical document and all, those weren't quite the  words I found. Here are the words:1. perimembranous ventricular septal defect, closed(healed) by the septal leaflet of the tricuspid valve, with ballooning of the leaflet into the left ventricular outflow tract(subaortic stenosis) 2. distal origin of the right subclavian artery. 3. mild pyloric stenosis


Okay, so we know that these have to do with the heart and they appear to be defects, however I really wish that they had a section below that says: "What that means is......" In my obsessive mission to obtain that paper, I completely forgot to ask about getting a doctor to go over it with me. After 24 hours of googling without a really clear picture, I decided to turn to Facebook. Though I didn't quite get an answer, thanks to the advice from some great ladies from AMEND, I now have an appointment with the doctor who delivered Caden. I will, of course, update when I find out more.


Okay not sure why these words are smaller than the rest and not really in the mood to fix it tonight. 


Good night, my sweet sweet boy, you're mommy loves you. Like your brother always says " I love you all the way to the desert and the cactus, the stars and the sky, the sun, and the MOON"