Due date

So this was Caden's projected due date. Today, I should be waiting for baby, in labor, or holding a newborn. However, I am doing none of those. And even though, I have two beautiful boys who are amazing and healthy, it can't erase the fact that Caden is gone and I miss him so much.


Before Brady, Father's Day was never much a glorious event for me, it was generally filled with anger with sadness due to an absent father. A father, who choses to be absent in my life. I haven't had living grandfathers since I was quite young, so it was wasn't something I celebrated. After Brady's birth, father's day became a holiday of mixed emotions. Now, Father's Day will continue to be a day fraught with mixed emotions- sadness about the little boy who was supposed to be born this weekend, sadness and anger about the father who doesn't care, but  happiness in sharing the day with my husband and beautiful sons.  This Father's Day, daddy was on duty at the fire station, so Brady and I visited Caden at the cemetery  and then drove down to see daddy. The whole drive I thought of  Caden and glanced every so often at the picture of him that I keep tucked in the visor - I still need to keep him close.I realized that he will be with me forever. That, behind every smile, laugh, every moment of joy, there will always be a piece of my heart that aches for him.Always.

This is the picture that I keep on my visor, its one of my favorites of Caden.