Getting out...

Yesterday, I decided that I couldn't stay in the house another moment.  I know that technically, I am not supposed to drive, but it was too hot for a walk, so I decided to take my little guy to Gator Freds. There, he could play while I relaxed a bit in the nice air conditioning and I wouldn't have to worry about chasing him around too much-he's a runner:).  Thankfully, it was a quiet day and there were no pregnant moms or young infants in sight. I enjoyed watching Brady play and for a while  and take my mind away from my sadness. There was a moment, upon seeing a a young toddler that I wondered what Caden would look like and sound like at that age, but I soon snapped myself back out of it and turned my attention back to my jubilant 2 year old bouncing around like nobody's business. His smiles can sure make anyone's  day

Mothers's day photo thanks to Uncle Gary:)

Of course, good times were balanced out by a trip to the funeral home to make obligatory decisions about Caden's services. I felt sick inside the funeral home and couldn't believe that I was really there doing what I was doing. And for a  while, I don't think I was really there, more like going through the motions, as if it were someone else's life.  I began to sink into "auto mode" emailing and dealing with business matters like bills and Brady's preschool next year.  I pushed reality back into a part of my head for a time, I needed a break from that harsh reality for a moment. I washed clothes( drying them outside in the sun happens to work pretty well in the absence of a working dryer),I put them away. I picked up my older son from school.
(If my Labor of Love peeps are reading this, please pretend that you don't know that I am doing all of this....)  I thought about work plans for the fall and researched options and I scheduled pre-k tours for Brady.  It felt "good"(not sure if its really "good" or just better than horrible) to get my mind off things for a bit.

I am thankful for support from wonderful old friends  and new friends and especially my new friends from AMEND- you know who you are ladies:) I couldn't get through this without them. You find out the wonderfulness(is that a word??) and the true character of people around you in times like these. And honestly, at times I don't feel like I deserve it, but I am sure glad that I have it and I sure hope that I can be as good and and return the kindness that I have been shown.

Then, just when normal seems in sight, night time came and I lay down and I felt that emptiness again and I cry and I tell hubby that I just miss him soo much. And I realize, I will never be normal again. I was told, I would find a "new normal"  I just haven't quite figured out what that is yet...and so far I don't really like it :(