Some days

A friend whose mom recently passed away had posted "some days are harder than other"  Yep...that's pretty much how it goes. There are some okay days and some days that a hair out of place can bring on tears.

I haven't really written the last week, because my thoughts have been kind of all over the place and not really centered on one theme, but I got to a point today where I needed to write after a recent conversation with a family member.

Its hard for people to understand-friends and family, especially when the loss of a child is still so new, that you don't just dust yourself off and keep going. Yes, I realize that there are things I have to do, but the task of keeping composure and being "on" for my young toddler are about all I can handle some days. So, just when you think you doing ok and someone comes along expecting more and making you feel guilty about not doing more, it can bring the whole facade crumbling down...and then back to bad day. I'm not perfect and maybe there are times when I can do more, but I am honestly doing the best I can here. I mean, I just lost my son...um...a month ago?

At my first group meeting, I think it was similarly expressed by others how some people don't understand that we don't just "move on". I realized after our discussion that I can't change how they react to my grief and that everything I am feeling and doing is normal. However, how can I get past feeling bad about it? I get overwhelmed pretty easily these days and sometimes it makes me so mad that they just can't understand that.   They are lucky that they don't have to understand it the way I do.

One other tidbit I learned at the group meeting was that most of the other parents who have lost a child( I say most, because its based on my experience in the group) also hate when people say "everything happens for a reason" I think one of the other mom's said it best when she said it "makes me want to hit you in the face"....um....yep....pretty much.  I wish I could have been more vocal about how saying this to a parent who has lost a child is not ok, but maybe I will start today.

It just sucks big time that my little boy didn't make when so many others did...why, why, why?

Some days my heart aches so much that I just don't want to do anything but feel the sadness and if no one is around...cry.

Some days I just wish that this could all be nightmare and I will wake up soon...the other days, I just feel it without physically wishing it.