Overload

Yesterday was not a good day. First thing in the morning we get a call from my mom that she fell and couldn't get up, so we had to rush over there. Rushing to my mom's for a health related reason has become normal lately, but this morning I felt resentful( I know that sounds terrible), but I was having a bad morning and one of those days that I feel like I wanted to cry and grieve for my Caden. Sometimes it just comes like that-quick and without warning.

My mom seemed okay when we were there. Hubby found out that he didn't have school, so he took Brady with him for most of the day, minus a couple errands to take my sons soccer stuff to his dad's across town and then to pick up Caden's pictures and check prices at Michael's for collage frames and scrapbooks. I got back to my mom's just in time for them to tell me that her nurse had been there and her sugar was really high, so she had given her insulin. I stay there with her, chat with my aunt  and start knitting Caden's hat. Then she goes to lay down and seems to not feel well. My aunt and I are about to check her sugar and my brother then walks int the door. Hubby gets back with Brady. Then Chaos pretty much ensues as we find her sugar to be 56 and then frantically try to get her sugar up to a decent level. After getting it mostly under control, I am putting things away in the kitchen and I feel myself start to lose it. I pick my bags up and tell hubby that I need to go...NOW. I get to the car and lose it completely. I have to go home and just decompress. Its just all too much for me. I just lost my son, my world is completely turned over and I just don't feel like I can deal with my mom's stuff right now. I know that sounds terrible and selfish, but I just have so much right now. I wish I had money to just hire her a nurse for like a month to just some time to get myself together and then I could just check on her when I am having good moments. I just feel like I am losing it and I can't be any good to her like that. And I have a alot of bad moments right now and sometimes I don't even know when they are going to happen. I love my mom soo much and she had done soo much for me, but sometimes I wish she would have taken care of herself when she found out she had diabetes and that she could just be a normal active grandmother like when my older son was young. Brady won't know her the way Nathan did. I feel terrible, but sometimes I am so jealous of my cousins for having a healthy mom. And  she really does try to help in ways that she can and its not totally her fault, I just wish I had known sooner and made her take care of herself sooner. I miss the way things were, just like I miss my Caden and I can't turn back the clock for either of them and for me. I know that I need to go forward, but right now I just want to go back, back when things were good. How I wish I had the power to do that- go back to when my mom was healthy and when Caden wasn't gone.

I get home  and lay in bed, watching TV and checking email  with my chocolate covered almonds and a glass of wine and just cry. I see this article about nursing moms in the military on yahoo and suddenly, I notice and feel my milk filling. It was probably already there, but somehow seeing the picture just made me realize it. Then , it hit like a ton of bricks, the overwhelming urge..need to nurse my baby. Having nursed my 2nd son until he was almost 2 and a half, I think made me feel more of what I was missing. I almost wished Brady was still nursing at that moment, the need was that strong. At that moment, I felt Caden's loss more than ever- I would never get to nurse him....never.  I lay in bed and cried more. I was overwhelmed and I missed my baby. I am so glad that hubby was home tonight and it was not a station night. I needed to cry and I needed to cry a lot. I don't know how mother's endure this, I really don't. Some days, sometimes, Its like a dream. Sometimes it feels like I wasn't ever pregnant, Sometimes I can't believe I am not pregnant anymore. Sometimes and some days I can't believe my baby is really gone. Its system overload at this point, but with this terrible, terrible ache, right in the middle of my heart.

Loving you and missing you, my sweet, sweet, boy.