The results

Friday, I had an appointment with the doctor who delivered Caden to go over the preliminary autopsy report. I had been researching for days and was only able to decipher that he had heart defects. Luckily, it was a quiet day and not one single pregnant or new mom walked in- I was glad about that. Dr. Johnson was nice and he had a quiet tone, which honestly, drove me a little crazy during labor. But now, it was comforting and I appreciated it. I was surprised when he said he had the final report. I wasn't expecting that, I hadn't prepared and I felt anxious for the long seconds before he read it. Then, as he read it, I was surprised again- Caden had Trisomy 21, aka Down's syndrome which caused several significant heart defects and was ultimately the cause of his death.

Immediately, my mind went back to that day of my Level 2 ultrasound when the tech suggested I have an amnio because Hydronephrosis is a soft marker for downs. I was thinking that, had I done it, we would have known. But, I was comforted when no other markers were noted and everything else was "ok".  Then the Hydronephrosis was cleared up after the second Level 2, so I thought we were in the clear. Before that day, I never knew that there could be fatal defects as a result of Trisomy 21, I only really associated it with a different way of life and as a Special Education teacher I felt that it just meant a different type of life, not something life threatening.

I wonder, though, what may have been different if we had known. If we had known about the heart defects, we would have had an EKG. We would probably have eventually have found out that they were significant and that he would most likely not survive. The last couple months would have been different, darker. If we had found out about the Down's syndrome, there would be a wondering about how life would change for us, should he survive, research. This all would have occurred about the same time my mom was diagnosed with cancer and me trying to take her to appointments, calling doctors, researching options. It would have been a difficult time for all. Part of me, is glad that I didn't know, as in that time, my mom looked to the hope of a new grandchild and I was busied during the waiting portion of appointments and treatments by knitting diaper covers and hats for my new little one- a bit of happiness in that time. Part of wishes I could have known, prepared, seen if  in fact, we could have done anything for him. Some days, one part is greater than the other, but it vacillates and I guess it probably always will. The biggest thing I wonder about is, even if we couldn't save him, would I have gotten to meet him...alive. I often ache for that experience- to see his eyes open, hear his cry...anything. I know that I can't change anything now, can't go back and I am not sure if it would have been better...but I would have loved to have the chance to meet him before he left.  Though I used to think a c-section was the worst thing that could happen during birth, I know now that it most definitely isn't and ...I would gladly have gotten one if it meant even one day with Caden...just one day. It may sound ridiculous, but I often find myself jealous of the women who get even one hour with their baby.  I would have loved on day, one hour, or even one minute.


In the end, what I felt most  after hearing the results, was a bit of relief in knowing that I had done nothing in any way to cause his death. I did, of course, ask the doc anyway, whether or not we could have saved him if I had gone to the hospital. In that soft, easy tone I had grown to find comfort in, he said that   would have required surgeries and likely, still wouldn't have survived. Though I am still heartbroken and missing my boy, there is some comfort in knowing that I couldn't have done anything differently. Because, no matter what anyone told me, I have been wracked with guilt about my decisions on that day =that Tuesday night when I felt deep down that something wasn't right. Now, I could let go of the guilt and move on to heal, to learn how to continue on with my life without my little boy. Living without the little face that I imagined sleeping next to me, cuddling with me, dressing. Living without Caden.

One friend said that he died in the most comforting place of all, my womb. It was a nice thought and I hope that it was true, because we moms can't ever stand to see or even know if our children was in pain. And now that he is gone, he will still always be my third child, always in my heart.