Overload

Yesterday was not a good day. First thing in the morning we get a call from my mom that she fell and couldn't get up, so we had to rush over there. Rushing to my mom's for a health related reason has become normal lately, but this morning I felt resentful( I know that sounds terrible), but I was having a bad morning and one of those days that I feel like I wanted to cry and grieve for my Caden. Sometimes it just comes like that-quick and without warning.

My mom seemed okay when we were there. Hubby found out that he didn't have school, so he took Brady with him for most of the day, minus a couple errands to take my sons soccer stuff to his dad's across town and then to pick up Caden's pictures and check prices at Michael's for collage frames and scrapbooks. I got back to my mom's just in time for them to tell me that her nurse had been there and her sugar was really high, so she had given her insulin. I stay there with her, chat with my aunt  and start knitting Caden's hat. Then she goes to lay down and seems to not feel well. My aunt and I are about to check her sugar and my brother then walks int the door. Hubby gets back with Brady. Then Chaos pretty much ensues as we find her sugar to be 56 and then frantically try to get her sugar up to a decent level. After getting it mostly under control, I am putting things away in the kitchen and I feel myself start to lose it. I pick my bags up and tell hubby that I need to go...NOW. I get to the car and lose it completely. I have to go home and just decompress. Its just all too much for me. I just lost my son, my world is completely turned over and I just don't feel like I can deal with my mom's stuff right now. I know that sounds terrible and selfish, but I just have so much right now. I wish I had money to just hire her a nurse for like a month to just some time to get myself together and then I could just check on her when I am having good moments. I just feel like I am losing it and I can't be any good to her like that. And I have a alot of bad moments right now and sometimes I don't even know when they are going to happen. I love my mom soo much and she had done soo much for me, but sometimes I wish she would have taken care of herself when she found out she had diabetes and that she could just be a normal active grandmother like when my older son was young. Brady won't know her the way Nathan did. I feel terrible, but sometimes I am so jealous of my cousins for having a healthy mom. And  she really does try to help in ways that she can and its not totally her fault, I just wish I had known sooner and made her take care of herself sooner. I miss the way things were, just like I miss my Caden and I can't turn back the clock for either of them and for me. I know that I need to go forward, but right now I just want to go back, back when things were good. How I wish I had the power to do that- go back to when my mom was healthy and when Caden wasn't gone.

I get home  and lay in bed, watching TV and checking email  with my chocolate covered almonds and a glass of wine and just cry. I see this article about nursing moms in the military on yahoo and suddenly, I notice and feel my milk filling. It was probably already there, but somehow seeing the picture just made me realize it. Then , it hit like a ton of bricks, the overwhelming urge..need to nurse my baby. Having nursed my 2nd son until he was almost 2 and a half, I think made me feel more of what I was missing. I almost wished Brady was still nursing at that moment, the need was that strong. At that moment, I felt Caden's loss more than ever- I would never get to nurse him....never.  I lay in bed and cried more. I was overwhelmed and I missed my baby. I am so glad that hubby was home tonight and it was not a station night. I needed to cry and I needed to cry a lot. I don't know how mother's endure this, I really don't. Some days, sometimes, Its like a dream. Sometimes it feels like I wasn't ever pregnant, Sometimes I can't believe I am not pregnant anymore. Sometimes and some days I can't believe my baby is really gone. Its system overload at this point, but with this terrible, terrible ache, right in the middle of my heart.

Loving you and missing you, my sweet, sweet, boy.

Wishing

Yesterday, I took Brady to the park, figuring it wouldn't be too crowded because of the holiday. Luckily, it wasn't. But, of course, there sat a young couple with their young son-about one-ish. The blissful and happy mom had a pregnant belly of about 6 months. I couldn't help but wish I was back in that moment of my pregnancy,eagerly awaiting his arrival. Instead of happily anticipating a  delivery date, the date of his service now looms over me.

In line at the store, I catch a glimpse of that stupid Snooki character( from a show I never watched) and her pregnant belly. I know its judgmental, but I couldn't help thinking" She'll probably have a healthy baby and it makes me mad that someone like her will have her little boy and I have to bury mine." I was wishing that I could go back to when I was pregnant and he was alive, when I was walking in this very grocery store aisle answering questions about when I was due and joking about my size.


Last night, I dreamed of Caden- it was the first time, actually. I won't go into detail too much because you know how dreams are- disjointed and unclear, so it wouldn't make sense anyway. But, basically it was about him being gone for a few days and then me realizing that I could still nurse him and my milk was still in. In my dreams, I nursed Caden. When I woke, I ached with the realization that it was just a dream. I wished I could go back to that dream. But even more, I wished it could have been real.

In the last few days, I have seen a lot of posts about moms of newbies and their nursing issues or the sick infants and I was wishing that I could be complaining about that right now instead of seeing the empty belly and empty arms before me. I wished I could have some live infant related issue to complain about, I really really wished I did. Why couldn't that be me?

This morning, as we were leaving the house, Brady and I were holding hands and he looked at me and said,"I want Caden" in this really sweet, but kinda sad way. And I replied back" I do too"

So here I now sit wishing, just wishing with all my heart, that he could be here in my arms right now.

Changes

A quick trip to Publix with hubby and the little guy:  One newbie and one pregnant woman sighted :(  I can't help but feel hurt. I wonder if that will ever go away. How will ever I face pregnant women and women with newborns and not feel this way? Losing Caden has changed me forever. I don't know the extent of all the changes, not yet anyway. But, I know that I will never view pregnancy the same.  After our first miscarriage, I would think that once I got to a certain point in pregnancy that I was safe. Now, there is no safe point until baby is in my arms and alive. I know more than ever, that every minute of every day with your loved ones, including ones growing inside you are precious and I will never take that for granted again.  I know that the statement "everything happens for a reason" doesn't apply really apply situation like this (okay ,well, for me it doesn't). Though I know that people say it as a form of comfort and they are trying to be positive in this dark moment. But, I know that any reason that could be found would pale in comparison to my desire to have son back. I also  found that people will surprise you in some amazing, some good and some not so good ways when it comes to something like this. But most of all, I know that I can/will never forget Caden and that even though it may get better, the pain will always be there. I lost a piece of my heart, I am changed forever. Loving you and missing you Caden , today and always.

Bring on the wine/whine

Yesterday, I was too overwhelmed  to even post about my day. Yesterday I woke up and it was just one of those mornings that I woke up missing and aching for my baby from the very start. I waited for hubby to leave the house with the two boys(taking my older son to school) and then let the waterworks begin- I didn' t even make coffee, just laid in bed and cried. When hubby got back we were going to visit with my mom and pick up our laundry, but on our way my brother called to let us know that ambulances were there because her blood sugar was dangerously low - a common occurance as of late. My brother needed to go to work , so I had hubby take my little guy with him to work. So the next few hours were filled with me quickly getting the little guy breakfast, getting to the hospital, talking to doctors and fielding calls to and from aunts and uncles. I allowed myself to cry all the way to the hospital so that I might be coherent while there. Meaning well, at one point someone said that it was probably best anyway to focus on problems right in front of me anyway. I said "umm...yeah...I guess" but really I was thinking "no way, not right now" Maybe Caden wasn't "right in front of me" but I felt like his loss was all over me, enveloping me, even if others can't always see it. At the hospital, I kept thinking that the last I was there, I was pregnant with Caden and he was alive. At one point, I started to cry while trying to talk to the nurse- fail! I hate crying in front of others, especially strangers.

Suddenly, it was time to pick up my older son and deal with a test issue. I cried the whole way to his school. Then comes the call from his dad about an email from school. The teenage years are not exactly the easiest, and today I just didn't want to deal with it, but I had to. Not getting into too much detail about that, because of course I know he hates when I talk about him to other people, but lets just say it wasn't fun.

From that fun situation, I get to then travel to the funeral home to pick out a casket. Yep, you guessed it, cried the whole way there too. What really takes the cake is that, not only am I here at this place in reality, picking out a casket for my baby, but now I am filling out a form where the first line states "name of fetus"  Fetus??!! WTF??? I had a baby. I wanted to scratch it out vehemently. I expressed my dissatisfaction with that statement, not that it changed anything for the moment.Ugh...I really need to send an email to somebody about this. Later.

From the funeral home I cry as I make my way back home to check on said Teenagers homework and ask questions about school situation. Cook dinner. Glance over at wine and realize that I could really use a glass. I haven't had wine in a very long time. The catch is, as glad as I am that I can now drink wine, I am sad because the only reason I can drink the wine is because Caden is gone. Take a shower as soon as hubby gets home so I can cry again.  I love my boys and am thankful for everyday that they are here and healthy, but I just miss my Caden soo much. I have never known such pain in my life and wonder how I will endure this. I know its not productive but I can't help but to still wonder "why? why? why? why me??" and to wish with all my might that I could go back to Tuesday. Tuesday when he was alive.

Getting out...

Yesterday, I decided that I couldn't stay in the house another moment.  I know that technically, I am not supposed to drive, but it was too hot for a walk, so I decided to take my little guy to Gator Freds. There, he could play while I relaxed a bit in the nice air conditioning and I wouldn't have to worry about chasing him around too much-he's a runner:).  Thankfully, it was a quiet day and there were no pregnant moms or young infants in sight. I enjoyed watching Brady play and for a while  and take my mind away from my sadness. There was a moment, upon seeing a a young toddler that I wondered what Caden would look like and sound like at that age, but I soon snapped myself back out of it and turned my attention back to my jubilant 2 year old bouncing around like nobody's business. His smiles can sure make anyone's  day

Mothers's day photo thanks to Uncle Gary:)

Of course, good times were balanced out by a trip to the funeral home to make obligatory decisions about Caden's services. I felt sick inside the funeral home and couldn't believe that I was really there doing what I was doing. And for a  while, I don't think I was really there, more like going through the motions, as if it were someone else's life.  I began to sink into "auto mode" emailing and dealing with business matters like bills and Brady's preschool next year.  I pushed reality back into a part of my head for a time, I needed a break from that harsh reality for a moment. I washed clothes( drying them outside in the sun happens to work pretty well in the absence of a working dryer),I put them away. I picked up my older son from school.
(If my Labor of Love peeps are reading this, please pretend that you don't know that I am doing all of this....)  I thought about work plans for the fall and researched options and I scheduled pre-k tours for Brady.  It felt "good"(not sure if its really "good" or just better than horrible) to get my mind off things for a bit.

I am thankful for support from wonderful old friends  and new friends and especially my new friends from AMEND- you know who you are ladies:) I couldn't get through this without them. You find out the wonderfulness(is that a word??) and the true character of people around you in times like these. And honestly, at times I don't feel like I deserve it, but I am sure glad that I have it and I sure hope that I can be as good and and return the kindness that I have been shown.

Then, just when normal seems in sight, night time came and I lay down and I felt that emptiness again and I cry and I tell hubby that I just miss him soo much. And I realize, I will never be normal again. I was told, I would find a "new normal"  I just haven't quite figured out what that is yet...and so far I don't really like it :(

11:11

So I was avoiding sleep as usual, and noticed the clock showed 11:11. And superstitious as it may be, I usually make a wish. Suddenly, I realized I didn't have anything to wish for at the moment. If I thought it would do anything I would wish for Caden to alive and healthy and peacefully sleeping in his co-sleeper or even at the hospital waiting to gain the pounds needed to go home. Before Caden's birth, our finances were a bit on the lean side and so I often wished  for money.  And though we could probably use it, it doesn't seem to matter as much now. I'd take Caden over any amount of money-ANY amount of money. I also often wished to meet him soon and that he would be healthy(that one didn't work). What else does one wish for when you lose a child?You can't wish them back. I will just wish for the continued health of my other 2 boys from now on. Money just doesn't seem to matter as much anymore.

Not my story

Mornings have been the toughest, but today seems to be one of the worst so far. I don't want this to be my story anymore. I know it seems terrible and selfish, but I want someone else to have it, I don't want to be in this "new group" of special people who have lost their children. I want my Caden back. I want to to go back in time to that Tuesday and change things, I would give almost anything to be able to do that.


Today, hubby is gone for the whole day and I had to make sure that my older son got to school okay and feed my toddler breakfast and get him dressed. It was crazy getting back to a "normal" schedule.  I just wish that included me still being pregnant or having my little bubs with me. It was too overwhelming for me today- I am not totally physically healed either and I haven't been able to totally get myself together and stop crying today. To make matters worse, the dryer is broken, the pool is green and there are dishes in the sink.I wish I could fix it all right now, but not only am I mess emotionally, I am not exactly physically healed. Insert tears here. Oh, and as if my empty belly and empty arms aren't enough of a reminder of my lost son, my milk is starting to come in, as if to taunt me further. Insert more tears here.

When I found out I was pregnant with Caden, it was a surprise because we had stopped trying after my husband lost his job. It was definitely unexpected and it wasn't easy. I feel that going through this pregnancy with all the obstacles we had(including finding out that my mother had pancreatic cancer) and then to get to the end, only to have my boy taken away is so very cruel. I am having one of those "its not fair" and I want to stomp my foot and cry "its not fair"kinda days, because really  it isn't. I want to go back to Tuesday.

My mom and I the week before Caden's birth

Today I am missing my boy. Today I am heartbroken. Today I can't stop crying. I have to get through today.

Loving you and missing you today Caden.

Waking up

Going to sleep and waking up- those seem to two of the hardest things to do lately. I am tired at night but fight sleep, as I know it will, inevitably lead to waking up another day. I don't mean in the sense that I don't want to wake up, but in the sense that another day has passed without him and another morning where the harsh reality of what happened washes over me. But wake up I must and I do. Mornings seem to be the hardest times right now, as the quiet of the morning without a crying or cooing newborn echoes loudly in my head and my heart. Thankfully, once my active two year old is awake, my mind is busied by his antics and requests, his snuggles and his kisses.

Today had its ups and downs. I will be glad that my other son will be coming home from his soccer tournament and I will have both my boys with me. I worry though, because my sadness is harder to hide from a teenager.

My boys on Mother's day:)

A horrible dream

Yesterday, I gave birth to my beautiful third son, Caden. It should have been a joyous occasion, instead, however, it was the saddest day of my life. My son, Caden, the beautiful boy I carried for over 35 weeks had died. Giving birth was bittersweet-I got to meet him, but I also had to say goodbye. I was and still am heartbroken.

Wednesday afternoon we could find no heartbeat and later that day we would get the confirmation that he was gone. The days prior were filled with worries about his decreased movments. I had spent both days at the birth center and OB office with reassurances that he was okay, but something still nagged in me that Caden wasn't acting normally. I realize now, that I "knew" that something was wrong. I am and probably will always be wracked with guilt about what else I could have done, whether or not it resulted in a different outcome for my sweet boy.


It was rainy the day we found out and rained most of our first day at the hospital- the earth was crying with us. They started the pitocin around 4 on Wednesday and I finally had him at 2:51am on Friday morning. The days prior to his birth felt like a a horrible dream and I kept hoping to wake up. I chose to not receive pain medications for the birth and follow through with my initial plans for a natural birth. It hurt, It hurt like hell, my body was in as much pain as my heart, but my midwife and nurse encouraged me on. I know that towards the end, I was not the stoic patient I wanted to be, I was an absolute disaster, but they all put up with me. I started to doubt I could make it another minute. What they refer to as "the ring of fire" felt more like an inferno- I cried and I screamed as Caden finally made his way out, silent and still. There were no cries like my sons before him and  I will never know what his cry sounded like. But, I cried for him. I am still crying for him.

,

I think this one is hardest for me to share because it shows  emotions I don't usually share in public, but  its real and I didn't want to hide it.

 

We held him, weighed him and dressed him while he remained eternally asleep. We took pictures, lots of pictures. We slept with him next to me for a bit-the only cosleeping we would get to do. It was time to move from the labor and delivery room and I asked to be put in the GYN unit instead of postpartum, as I knew I couldn't bear to hear other babies crying.I held him as they pushed me to my new room.  Once we got there, it was about 5:30 in the morning. I sunk into my bed and I held my precious boy against my chest, while my husband slept next to me. I could no longer sleep, I didn't want to miss any of these moments. I needed to make a memory of how he felt and I wanted it to last as long as possible.The photographer came to take photos. Then, we introduced our 2 and a half year old son to his brother. He lovingly kissed him and hugged him. When the nurse finally came to take him later that day, Brady did not want to see him go. He keeps asking "is Caden there?" gesturing towards the hospital rooms. It was hard to make him understand and I felt bad for him, as we spent so much time trying to make him excited about the baby and now we were having to make him understand why he wouldn't be around.

I hated leaving the hospital without him- HATED IT. I was mad and sad and overwhelmed with the reality, my heart was broken and no one could fix it. Seeing my other boys was definitely healing and my love for them keeps me going, but there is still a hole there that Caden's passing left.