two steps forward....

So, its my third week of work and things were going okay, I was beginning my "new normal".  This past week, at group, I publicly addressed my personal guilt over Caden's death. It was odd to share something so personal, so emotional, but I did it, I needed them to know. A confession of sorts, I guess. Of course, people expressed that I did the best with the information I had. And I can sort of see that, but the guilt still sits there like a rock in my heart...I just can't seem to get rid of it, can't seem to chip away at it. I just can't seem to get rid of that guilt and  the feeling that I let him down. I dream, I hope, I pray, and I sometimes even plead for the ability to go back and change my actions. I know, I know, silly and pointless, right? And yet, I can't help but think it, for even the tiniest chance of it occuring....even if its only in my mind. Okay. I sometimes pretend that I did things differently and I let the scenario play out in my mind like a movie and for those few minutes I can pretend, pretend that I saved him, pretend that he was born alive, pretend that I saw him open his eyes and move his little body, if even if just for a few precious minutes.

Recently, my two year old declared that he was no longer using a sippy cup, because he was "a big boy now". He then takes the cup and  says, "we'll save it for Caden, when the doctor fixes him and he comes home." That just broke my heart. Not only do I carry the guilt for letting Caden down, I also feel like I let Brady down ...to lose his first little brother....to experience a loss like this at such a young age. I know that he doesn't fully grasp it because he is always wanting to "save" things for Caden. It really touches me, but it breaks my heart too.

Last night, while driving home I just broke down( oddly, my breakdowns seem to occur most often in the car). I just suddenly felt Caden's loss as if I was experiencing it for the first time again. I don't know if that's normal, but I cried the whole way home, with my heart breaking all over again. So, I'm in this "new normal", but I'll never really be normal, because I will never have my Caden with me(except in my heart). And sometimes, when I allow myself to really think about it, I just can't believe that this had really  happened and I just hate the reality of his absence...I really really hate it.

And oh, by the way, in case you've missed my coverage of it prior posts,  there is no "reason" that you could give that would make it okay for Caden to be gone. NONE!  I have begun  to realize how truly pointless that  saying is as a source of comfort.  My baby boy has been gone for 4 months now and I still miss him as much as the day he left.

Two steps forward,one step back, but I keep on trying and I will make sure that no forgets you little one....you are loved, you are missed, you are never forgotten.

The start of a new normal?

So, I started a new job last week as a part-time preschool teacher. Even though its only part time, its still a lot of work considering planning and preparation. During open house,  I saw a mom with her newbie taking her 3 year old to see her new teacher and I couldn't help thinking  "that should be me", but I focus on my classroom and talking to my parents and pretend to be unfazed.  For me, part of my new normal means pretending, pretending that I am not upset or that something doesn't bother me, when it actually does.

Another new normal, the realization and acceptance of the fact that I may never fully forgive myself for not going to hospital that Tuesday night. It may sound crazy because I know that on a few occasions I have pronounced that I am at peace with things...lie!  I don't care what anyone tells me or words of comfort they may bring. There is not a week(sometimes a day) that goes by where I don't replay that day in my head at some point. Sometimes, even, I almost  trick myself into thinking that I am really there and I decide to go to the hospital and Caden is born, but this time I get to hear him cry,  or at the very least, hold him while his heart still beats.  Sounds crazy, right? Well, I don't care, sometimes its what I have to do.  Believe me, I've tried all the angles with myself and no matter what I always end up in the same place...guilt. So, instead of continually trying to get out of guit, I have decided to take a new approach....acceptance of the fact that I probably won't ever fully forgive myself. I didn't trust my gut and I let my worry about what others think of me guide my decision-making. Never again. So, while I will never fully forgive myself, I learned a very good, very difficult lesson. I just wish I wouldn't have had to lose my son to learn it. And now, in his honor, I will always trust my gut and never allow what others think of me to guide important decisions.

A little off my topic, but I just want to say how much it means when friends and family acknowledge you my precious little one. I can't help that it hurts that there are still people who have still never done a thing or said a word. I hope that someday you will give me the strength to forgive them. But, there are also some wonderful people, some I haven't even known very long that send messages that warm my heart and say to me  "you mattered", "our beautiful little Caden mattered", and even though you didn't live outside me, you mattered. You were a person with fully formed fingers and toes and the most perfect little button nose. And those people...I love them for it, for if not for them, surely the healing process would be longer Maybe you could send them some special blessings from above that their kindness is returned.

I love you and miss you so much my little one..tears fall constantly in my heart and I hope you know how much you are loved, missed, cherished and remembered.

A couple thoughts...

It was a long night- my mom had another sugar crash. When I finally felt like her sugar was up and she was stablized, I headed home. And for some reason, all I could think about was Caden the entire drive home. How much I missed him.  I saw this quote recently on another baby loss mom's facebook page:

"‎"If you know someone who has lost a child and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember they lived, and that's a great, great gift." Elizabeth Edwards

I thought that is pretty much right on. I hope to get people to understand that. I never forget about him.



Also, this post was recommended by a friend and for fellow baby loss moms or for those trying to understand a little more, its a good read:

http://therumpus.net/2010/07/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-44-how-you-get-unstuck/

"The live on planet Earth, you live on planet My baby died"

And I'm still there, the one relieving thing is there are other people living there with me and we are helping each other survive life on that harsh planet.

Catching up

I know, I know , its been awhile. I'm finally catching up with life around me, so let me catch you up with what has been going on.

Holidays- Ok, so I know that 4th of July isn't exactly Christmas, but it was the first major holiday I had to deal with since Caden's death. The hardest part was facing people that I thought let me down, people who didn't think it was important enough to come to Caden's memorial or graveside service. Suprisingly, these were mostly family members. I had been thinking, wondering, all day, how I would handle it. I am not a confrontational person, but I am not very good at hiding my feelings either. So when we pulled up to the house, I could feel the pit in my stomach growing, the tears in my eyes welling, and butterflies in stomach. Thankfully, I phoned my mini AMEND help line aka one of the wonderful AMEND mamas who have been there for me. So, when you read this, thank you so much dear friend.  I find it hard to understand why family who live 15-20 minutes away can't find a few minutes to attend a service for a family member's child. It's not like they are distant family members, they are close and live close by.  My aunt and uncle flew in from NY to be there, but people couldn't drive 15 minutes to be there for even a minute. I had friends that I hadn't even seen in a while come to his service so I just can't understand. It hurts that they felt that it wasn't important enough to show up to my son's service- that he wasn't important enough. When its a celebration,  everyone can make sure to be there, but they couldn't be there for Caden, Jon, and me and that hurts. I don't think I will ever feel the same about them. Those same people, upon seeing me for the first time after Caden's death, still never made an attempt to offer any condolences to me. Inside I wanted to scream "Why weren't you there? He was real, he was beautiful, we loved him and he's gone, doesn't that matter?!!"  But, I didn't. I am not exactly looking forward to more family events in the future.

Final Results- Well, apparently, the OB I consulted with isn't exactly an expert in heart defects. Because, it turns out that Caden's heart defects were minor and he had no other health issues. In fact, my placenta was the cause of his death. I was heartbroken, I didn't fully understand the cause of death-placental maturation defect, so all I felt was an incredible guilt that it wasn't his heart but my body that killed him. Getting the results was difficult and then you have to jump through more hoops to even get somebody to explain it to you- get a referral, get insurance approval(or pay around $200), get all the records sent and then make an appointment for sometime to just tell you what the freakin piece of paper means. I just don't get it? As if we haven't been through enough. When I watch Dr. G, she calls the family and talks to them for like 5 minutes and bam, problem solved. You mean, that they can't take 5 minutes to explain what this thing means. Thank God for google, at least.  I did discover through internet research and Down Syndrome pregnancy boards that the placenta also carries the extra chromosome which can result in defects in the placenta, which is why they monitor Down Syndrome Pregnancies closely in the last trimester. I will never turn down screenings again and I sure hope that if in the future, a mom turns down an amnio that MFMs will at least have the decency to give pregnant these potential problems(given that Caden had a soft marker for DS), as well as let them know that there are non-invasive tests like Materniti21 available.

My 2 older boys enjoying Sanibel

Finally, we took a brief family vacation to Sanibel Island. It was nice to get away for a bit, it really was, but there was this feeling that it just wasn't complete, that someone was missing. Don't get me wrong, I had a nice time with my family and I feel blessed to have my 2 wonderful boys with me, but I still miss my Caden and it just hurts that he was not there with us.

Some days

A friend whose mom recently passed away had posted "some days are harder than other"  Yep...that's pretty much how it goes. There are some okay days and some days that a hair out of place can bring on tears.

I haven't really written the last week, because my thoughts have been kind of all over the place and not really centered on one theme, but I got to a point today where I needed to write after a recent conversation with a family member.

Its hard for people to understand-friends and family, especially when the loss of a child is still so new, that you don't just dust yourself off and keep going. Yes, I realize that there are things I have to do, but the task of keeping composure and being "on" for my young toddler are about all I can handle some days. So, just when you think you doing ok and someone comes along expecting more and making you feel guilty about not doing more, it can bring the whole facade crumbling down...and then back to bad day. I'm not perfect and maybe there are times when I can do more, but I am honestly doing the best I can here. I mean, I just lost my son...um...a month ago?

At my first group meeting, I think it was similarly expressed by others how some people don't understand that we don't just "move on". I realized after our discussion that I can't change how they react to my grief and that everything I am feeling and doing is normal. However, how can I get past feeling bad about it? I get overwhelmed pretty easily these days and sometimes it makes me so mad that they just can't understand that.   They are lucky that they don't have to understand it the way I do.

One other tidbit I learned at the group meeting was that most of the other parents who have lost a child( I say most, because its based on my experience in the group) also hate when people say "everything happens for a reason" I think one of the other mom's said it best when she said it "makes me want to hit you in the face"....um....yep....pretty much.  I wish I could have been more vocal about how saying this to a parent who has lost a child is not ok, but maybe I will start today.

It just sucks big time that my little boy didn't make when so many others did...why, why, why?

Some days my heart aches so much that I just don't want to do anything but feel the sadness and if no one is around...cry.

Some days I just wish that this could all be nightmare and I will wake up soon...the other days, I just feel it without physically wishing it. 

One month...

Today, my little boy would be one month old. I would love to celebrate it with a picture like I have done with  my other boys, but instead I am missing him and celebrating by looking at his pictures and holding his clothes and blanket...breathing them in.

I took Brady to the park today and it wasn't such a bad today, but the emptiness still creeps in from time and time and it is still sometimes unreal to me that I had a baby, but he isn't here. I can still see his beautiful little face in mind without any effort at all. And if the day ever comes when it becomes an effort, I only need to look up.

Today is your one month angelversary, Caden, my beautiful little boy.  And I just wanted to let you know how much mommy loves you and misses you.

Due date

So this was Caden's projected due date. Today, I should be waiting for baby, in labor, or holding a newborn. However, I am doing none of those. And even though, I have two beautiful boys who are amazing and healthy, it can't erase the fact that Caden is gone and I miss him so much.


Before Brady, Father's Day was never much a glorious event for me, it was generally filled with anger with sadness due to an absent father. A father, who choses to be absent in my life. I haven't had living grandfathers since I was quite young, so it was wasn't something I celebrated. After Brady's birth, father's day became a holiday of mixed emotions. Now, Father's Day will continue to be a day fraught with mixed emotions- sadness about the little boy who was supposed to be born this weekend, sadness and anger about the father who doesn't care, but  happiness in sharing the day with my husband and beautiful sons.  This Father's Day, daddy was on duty at the fire station, so Brady and I visited Caden at the cemetery  and then drove down to see daddy. The whole drive I thought of  Caden and glanced every so often at the picture of him that I keep tucked in the visor - I still need to keep him close.I realized that he will be with me forever. That, behind every smile, laugh, every moment of joy, there will always be a piece of my heart that aches for him.Always.

This is the picture that I keep on my visor, its one of my favorites of Caden.