two steps forward....

So, its my third week of work and things were going okay, I was beginning my "new normal".  This past week, at group, I publicly addressed my personal guilt over Caden's death. It was odd to share something so personal, so emotional, but I did it, I needed them to know. A confession of sorts, I guess. Of course, people expressed that I did the best with the information I had. And I can sort of see that, but the guilt still sits there like a rock in my heart...I just can't seem to get rid of it, can't seem to chip away at it. I just can't seem to get rid of that guilt and  the feeling that I let him down. I dream, I hope, I pray, and I sometimes even plead for the ability to go back and change my actions. I know, I know, silly and pointless, right? And yet, I can't help but think it, for even the tiniest chance of it occuring....even if its only in my mind. Okay. I sometimes pretend that I did things differently and I let the scenario play out in my mind like a movie and for those few minutes I can pretend, pretend that I saved him, pretend that he was born alive, pretend that I saw him open his eyes and move his little body, if even if just for a few precious minutes.

Recently, my two year old declared that he was no longer using a sippy cup, because he was "a big boy now". He then takes the cup and  says, "we'll save it for Caden, when the doctor fixes him and he comes home." That just broke my heart. Not only do I carry the guilt for letting Caden down, I also feel like I let Brady down ...to lose his first little brother....to experience a loss like this at such a young age. I know that he doesn't fully grasp it because he is always wanting to "save" things for Caden. It really touches me, but it breaks my heart too.

Last night, while driving home I just broke down( oddly, my breakdowns seem to occur most often in the car). I just suddenly felt Caden's loss as if I was experiencing it for the first time again. I don't know if that's normal, but I cried the whole way home, with my heart breaking all over again. So, I'm in this "new normal", but I'll never really be normal, because I will never have my Caden with me(except in my heart). And sometimes, when I allow myself to really think about it, I just can't believe that this had really  happened and I just hate the reality of his absence...I really really hate it.

And oh, by the way, in case you've missed my coverage of it prior posts,  there is no "reason" that you could give that would make it okay for Caden to be gone. NONE!  I have begun  to realize how truly pointless that  saying is as a source of comfort.  My baby boy has been gone for 4 months now and I still miss him as much as the day he left.

Two steps forward,one step back, but I keep on trying and I will make sure that no forgets you little one....you are loved, you are missed, you are never forgotten.

The start of a new normal?

So, I started a new job last week as a part-time preschool teacher. Even though its only part time, its still a lot of work considering planning and preparation. During open house,  I saw a mom with her newbie taking her 3 year old to see her new teacher and I couldn't help thinking  "that should be me", but I focus on my classroom and talking to my parents and pretend to be unfazed.  For me, part of my new normal means pretending, pretending that I am not upset or that something doesn't bother me, when it actually does.

Another new normal, the realization and acceptance of the fact that I may never fully forgive myself for not going to hospital that Tuesday night. It may sound crazy because I know that on a few occasions I have pronounced that I am at peace with things...lie!  I don't care what anyone tells me or words of comfort they may bring. There is not a week(sometimes a day) that goes by where I don't replay that day in my head at some point. Sometimes, even, I almost  trick myself into thinking that I am really there and I decide to go to the hospital and Caden is born, but this time I get to hear him cry,  or at the very least, hold him while his heart still beats.  Sounds crazy, right? Well, I don't care, sometimes its what I have to do.  Believe me, I've tried all the angles with myself and no matter what I always end up in the same place...guilt. So, instead of continually trying to get out of guit, I have decided to take a new approach....acceptance of the fact that I probably won't ever fully forgive myself. I didn't trust my gut and I let my worry about what others think of me guide my decision-making. Never again. So, while I will never fully forgive myself, I learned a very good, very difficult lesson. I just wish I wouldn't have had to lose my son to learn it. And now, in his honor, I will always trust my gut and never allow what others think of me to guide important decisions.

A little off my topic, but I just want to say how much it means when friends and family acknowledge you my precious little one. I can't help that it hurts that there are still people who have still never done a thing or said a word. I hope that someday you will give me the strength to forgive them. But, there are also some wonderful people, some I haven't even known very long that send messages that warm my heart and say to me  "you mattered", "our beautiful little Caden mattered", and even though you didn't live outside me, you mattered. You were a person with fully formed fingers and toes and the most perfect little button nose. And those people...I love them for it, for if not for them, surely the healing process would be longer Maybe you could send them some special blessings from above that their kindness is returned.

I love you and miss you so much my little one..tears fall constantly in my heart and I hope you know how much you are loved, missed, cherished and remembered.