Its been a while

Ugh...I can't believe that its been about 8 months since I wrote in this blog. I have started and stopped several times. Its not that I didn't have anything to say, its just that sometimes my thoughts are so jumbled and I have a hard time focusing on a single concept. But, tonight, tonight, I realized that I need to write. I need to share my thoughts, my changing grief, my changing life. So, I am just going to start and see where it takes me.

A lot has happened in those 8 months. I have been pregnant 3 times and lost three babies.  My mom passed away after 4 months of agony. I celebrated my first mother's day without my mom and my son. We honored Caden's first angelversary - one year in heaven.

I have found comfort in new friends who share my grief, new friends who are not afraid to say his name or honor his memory. I have found comfort in knitting hats for little angels who mommies will share my grief. I have found comfort in sharing my joys and sadness with others in this journey, in extending help to others who are now finding themselves in this journey of forever grief. I have found some joy again in spending time with family and I have come to be even more thankful for every moment I have with my two boys here on earth.  I have come to know that I will never stop missing Caden and that loving and missing him will always be a part of me. My new life and the people that share it with me, I mean truly share it with me, understand that and make this journey just a bit easier. I didn't chose this journey, but here I am and I am making the best of it.

Thankful that Caden's marker was finally installed just days before his birthday and I could bring him birthday flowers. 

Caden Joseph Tozier, I hope that you know that you will always be with me and I will always be with you. Loving and missing you always, mom <3