5 months

Dear Caden,

Today is your fifth month in heaven little one and I miss you just as much today as I did the day I had to leave you. Your two big brothers are growing so much each day and I am so thankful for every amazing day with them, but loving and being thankful for them does not mean that my heart doesn't ache for you. I never knew pain like the pain of not being able to have you here to enjoy each day with your family, and see your brothers love you and teach you. Brady talks about you often, I think he still doesn't completely understand that you aren't coming back- he is always talking about "saving" stuff for you. While I love that he remembers and speaks of you, I wonder about the day he realizes that you aren't coming back. I will always feel guilty for making his first experience as a big brother so complicated and traumatic. I know he misses you too.

I had my 5th support group meeting and they have really helped me deal with your death. I still feel guilty and have regrets, but their support and guidance has been amazing. I have met some really great people, especially other moms who have lost their babies...I think we all  are comforted by the thought that you are playing together somewhere and watching over us. It sure is nice to be able to talk about you with moms and dads who understand what its like to lose a baby-I love to speak and hear your name.

On Monday, I lit a candle for you and in memory of all the others babies gone too soon. I sure hope that wherever you are, you could feel my love rising to you, just like smoke rising to the sky. That day, I recieved a beautiful necklace made for me by another baby loss mom. It has your name engraved on it and it lays right near my heart, where you will always be.

Your big brother Brady had his 3rd birthday party and it was nice to spend the day with family and friends , but I sure wish you could have been here to celebrate with us. There will always be a space for you my little man, it could never and will never be filled.

I love you and I miss you little one. Today, tomorrow, and always my love is with you and I carry you in my heart.

Love always,
mommy